The best wife jokes

Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine's Day. "Yes," came the answer from Tony who was a bit of a chauvinist, "I've bought her a belt and a bag." "That was very kind of you," Jim added, 'I hope she appreciated the thought." Tony smiled as he replied, "So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now."
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has 75.62 % from 33 votes. More jokes about: friendship, mean, Valentines day, wife, work
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stuart said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?
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has 75.58 % from 136 votes. More jokes about: dirty, family, marriage, sex, wife
Me using the Siri app on my iPhone: Me: "Siri, call my wife." Siri: "Samantha McLaughlin is not in your contacts." Me: "Samantha Gibbs is my wife." Siri: "I've added Samantha Gibbs as your wife." Me: "Call my wife." Siri: "Which wife?"
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has 75.58 % from 69 votes. More jokes about: communication, phone, stupid, technology, wife
An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!" "Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
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has 75.57 % from 59 votes. More jokes about: husband, wife, women
A guy dies whilst making love to his wife. A few days later the undertaker calls her and says, "Your husband still has a hard-on, what shall I do with it?" The wife replies, "Cut it off and shove it up his arse!" The undertaker does as he is told. On the day of the funeral the wife visits her husband for the last time and sees a tear rolling down his face, so she whispers in his ear, "It fucking hurts doesn't it!"
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has 75.57 % from 59 votes. More jokes about: black humor, death, husband, love, wife
Q: Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left everything to his beloved widow? A: She can't touch it till she's fourteen.
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has 75.29 % from 97 votes. More jokes about: age, death, redneck, wife
Q: What's a man's definition of safe sex? A: When his wife's out of town.
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has 75.06 % from 350 votes. More jokes about: sex, wife
A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled up newspaper round his head. Wife: 'What are you doing dear?' Husband: 'Swatting flies - I got 3 males and 2 females' Wife: 'How on earth do you know which gender they were?' Husband: 'Easy - 3 were on the beer, and the other 2 were on the phone.'
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has 74.78 % from 57 votes. More jokes about: beer, husband, old people, phone, wife
My wife's cooking is so bad we usually pray after our food.
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has 74.71 % from 47 votes. More jokes about: food, mean, religious, wife
Wife: I have blisters on my hands from using the broom all day. Husband: Well next time take the car then silly.
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has 74.71 % from 47 votes. More jokes about: car, husband, wife
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