A man wanted Valentine's Day to be special, so he bought a bottle of absinthe and stopped by the florist's to order a bouquet of his wife's favorite flower: white anemones.
Unfortunately, the florist was sold out of flowers and had only a few stems of feathery ferns.
The man asked the florist to make a bouquet out of the ferns and the flask of liquor.
He added a card and proceeded home.
After a romantic candlelight dinner, he presented his wife with the gift.
She opened the card to read, "Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder."
With a tear in her eye, she whispered to him lovingly, "Yes, and with fronds like these, who needs anemones."
Vote:
"If women ruled the world," said my wife, "there'd be no wars."
"That's true," I replied. "Wars require strategy and logic."
Wishing to prove to his wife that he loved her for more than sex, the young man bought her a
lovely bouquet of roses.
Despite his good intentions, however, the devoted husband received a
suspicious look when he handed her the flowers.
"I suppose," she said, "that now you expect
me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs spread."
"Why?" said the young man.
"Don't we have a vase?"
A guy dies whilst making love to his wife.
A few days later the undertaker calls her and says, "Your husband still has a hard-on, what shall I do with it?"
The wife replies, "Cut it off and shove it up his arse!"
The undertaker does as he is told.
On the day of the funeral the wife visits her husband for the last time and sees a tear rolling down his face, so she whispers in his ear, "It fucking hurts doesn't it!"
A guy is walking along the shoreline at the beach wearing just a pair of cutoff jeans.
Sure enough, he kicks up a bottle, pulls the cork, and out comes the Genie to give him one wish.
He pulls out a map of the Middle East, and asks the Genie if he can bring Peace to this part of the World.
The Genie pales, and says, "Master, these people have been at war since time began. It is their nature, woven into the very fabric of their lives. What you ask is totally impossible. It is probably the only wish I cannot grant you. Ask for anything else and I will make it happen."
"Okay", the guy says. "Tomorrow morning have my wife awaken me, with the best blowjob I've ever had, on her own, without my begging and pleading - just because she likes it, because she wants to, and because it turns her on."
The Genie shakes his head and says, "Let me see that map again!
A husband says to his wife, "My Olympic condoms have arrived. I think I'll wear gold tonight."
The wife replies, "Why not wear silver and come second for a change?"
Jeff Bezos has invested $42 million to build a huge 500-foot tall underground clock that ticks once per year for 10,000 years.
He did this because he overheard his wife talking to a friend, he thought she said she wished he had a larger clock...
"Shay, buddy, whats a Breathalyzer?" asked one drunk to his friend at the next barstool.
"Well, Id have to say that its a bag that tells you when youve drunk way too much," answered the equally wasted gent.
"Ah hell, whaddya know?
Ive been married to one of those for years!"
"Excuse me," he says to her, "do we know each other?"
"Sure," she answers, "one of my children is yours!"
The guy confused, thinks and suddenly remembers the only time he cheated his wife.
So he asks her: "Were you that stripper invited at a bachelor party at the suburbs last spring and we ended up having wild sex in the kitchen? You had manacled my hands and you cramed a carrot in my a…!"
The woman frowned answers: "No, I am your son’s philologist..."
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."