The best wife jokes

A wife to her husband as they watch their young son playing: "He's such a sensitive child. Let's wait until he's older before we tell him you're an accountant."
Vote: has 67.81 % from 11 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: accountant, age, husband, kids, wife
An old couple returning from florida cross the border. The customs agent ask the man "did you buy anything while in the US. the man answers no. the man's wife asks her husband "what did he say?". the man tells his wife "the agent wants to know if we bought anything". the customs agent asks the man where he is from. the man answers "toronto". the man's wife says "what did he say?" the man tells his wife "he wanted to know where we were from. the agent says to the man " i was in toronto once, i had the worst sex ever in my life in toronto." the man's wife says "what did he say?" the husband tells his wife "he thinks he knows you dear."
Vote: has 67.69 % from 136 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: husband, sex, travel, wife
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife made a wish too, but she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "It really works!"
Vote: has 67.59 % from 1199 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: husband, marriage, money, wife, work
A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled up newspaper round his head. Wife: 'What are you doing dear?' Husband: 'Swatting flies - I got 3 males and 2 females' Wife: 'How on earth do you know which gender they were?' Husband: 'Easy - 3 were on the beer, and the other 2 were on the phone.'
Vote: has 67.34 % from 43 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: beer, husband, old people, phone, wife
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper." "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" "Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
Vote: has 67.34 % from 43 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: husband, marriage, wife, women
This guy dies and his wife gets him cremated. She takes the ashes home and lays them out on the table and starts talking to them. "You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money. You know the new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money." Then she whispers, "You know that blowjob I promised you? Well, here it comes..."
Vote: has 67.10 % from 50 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: car, death, dirty, money, wife
One day, a man was fishing on a dock across from a hotel in the country, when another man came and sat down. By way of conversation, the man asked the other what he was doing there. "I'm on a honeymoon." "Oh. Shouldn't you be having sex with your wife?" "Well, I would be. But she has a yeast infection." "What about oral sex?" "Gingivitis." "Anal sex?" "Diarrhea." "Pardon my question, but why are you with her?" "Well, I like fishing. And she's got worms."
Vote: has 66.96 % from 35 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: disgusting, fish, holiday, sex, wife
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you. The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
Vote: has 66.69 % from 60 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: dirty, time, wife
A drunk man comes inside a bar and says, "Happy New Year everybody." and the waiter says, "We are in June you drunk man." And the drunk man says, "Oh my god my wife is going to kill me I have never been so late in my life!"
Vote: has 66.64 % from 42 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: alcohol, bar, drunk, new year, wife
My wife wanted me to whisper dirty things to her. "...........dishes."
Vote: has 66.60 % from 220 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: dirty, wife