A man farts in bed next to his wife.
His wife asks, "What in the world was that?"
He replies, "Touchdown. I'm winning, seven nothing."
She decides to get even, so she lets one loose.
He yells at her, "What was that?"
She replies, "Touchdown, tie score."
He wants to get her back, but he tries so hard he sh*ts in bed.
The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"
He replies, "Halftime, switch sides."
Vote:
Son: Dad, what does 'gay' means?
Father: It means 'to be happy'.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Three men were in heaven discussing how they died.
The first man said, "I died in a car accident."
The second man said, "I died by drowning."
The third man said, "I died of seenus."
The first two men asked, "Do you mean sinus?"
The third man said, "No, I mean SEENUS. I was out with my best friend’s wife and he seen us!"
A man who wants to murder his wife goes in a pharmacy and asks for cyanide.
"I'm sorry sir, but I can't give you cyanide just like that."
Without a word, the man takes out his wife's photograph and holds it in front of him.
The pharmacist apologizes, "My mistake, I didn't realize you had a prescription."
Vote:
I'm not saying my wife is ugly... but on Halloween, she went to tell the neighbors to turn their TV down and they gave her some candy.
Robinson came home in great excitement and said to his wife, “You’ll never believe it, dear, but I’ve discovered an entirely new position for lovemaking.”
“Really,” said Mrs. Robinson, interested at once. “What is it?”
“Back to back.”
“But that’s crazy. We can’t do anything back to back.”
“Yes we can. I’ve persuaded another couple to help out.”
An old couple returning from florida cross the border.
The customs agent
ask the man "did you buy anything while in the US.
the man answers no.
the man's wife asks her husband "what did he say?".
the man tells his wife
"the agent wants to know if we bought anything".
the customs agent asks
the man where he is from. the man answers "toronto".
the man's wife says
"what did he say?" the man tells his wife "he wanted to know where we were
from. the agent says to the man " i was in toronto once, i had the worst
sex ever in my life in toronto."
the man's wife says "what did he say?"
the husband tells his wife "he thinks he knows you dear."
Husband: "Good night mother of my three sons."
Wife: "Same to you father of none."
A couple came upon a wishing well.
The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The wife made a wish too, but she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The husband was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "It really works!"
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.