Things Your Wife Won't Say:
The smell of beer on your breath drives me wild.
I'm bored. Let's shave the p***y.
I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
Let's get a good porno movie, a case of beer, and make an afternoon of it.
God, if I don't blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!
I only signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head.
Let's subscribe to Hustler.
Let's take pictures so your friends will believe you.
Honey, our neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again. Come see!
Awesome fart! Do another one!
A man walks into a bar one night.
He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"One penny?!", exclaimed the guy.
The barman replied: "Yes!"
So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks: "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"
"Certainly, sir", replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?", inquires the guy.
"Four cents", he replies.
"Four cents?!", exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies: "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says: "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies: "Same as what I'm doing to his business."
An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told
the artist, “Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace,
emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and a gold Rolex.”
“But you are not wearing any of those things,” replied the artist.
“I know,” she said. “It’s in case I should die before my husband. I’m
sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy
looking for the jewelry.”
Vote:
Q: Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs, blowjob?
A: The blowjob.
You can beat your wife, your eggs, or your meat; but you just can't beat a blowjob.
Vote:
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman
"Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says "Wow!
you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and placed the same order for drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said "Darn!
Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife..."
Wife asked her husband to give her the newspaper.
Husband: "How backward you are? Technology has developed so much and you are still asking for the newspaper... Take my iPad..."
Wife took the iPad and killed the Cockroach.
Husband faints.
Moral: Whatever the wife asks, give her without argument. Show your smartness in office, not at home.
Vote:
A drunk guy took a cat home to his wife and said: "See... here is the a monkey of the jungle."
His wife said laughing, "That's a CAT ..."
He said back to his wife, "I am talking to the cat!"
A guy who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, "Where have you been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "It looks like you've had quite a few drinks this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest,
"That a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled up newspaper round his head.
Wife: 'What are you doing dear?'
Husband: 'Swatting flies - I got 3 males and 2 females'
Wife: 'How on earth do you know which gender they were?'
Husband: 'Easy - 3 were on the beer, and the other 2 were on the phone.'
Two guys always catch the train to work together; one is French, the other Italian.
Every morning when the French guy gets on, he passes his fingers underneath his nose while sniffing and says "Aaahhh... Fifi!"
He does this every day, so the Italian guy says to him one morning, "Why do you do that and say 'Aaahhh... Fifi!'?"
The French man explaines that Fifi is his wife, and he fingers her every morning and it reminds him of her all day.
The next morning, the French guy gets on the trains and sniffs his fingers saying, "Fifi!"
Then the Italian guy gets on and runs his whole arm under his nose and says, "Aaahhh... Maria!"
Vote: