The best wife jokes

My wife wanted me to whisper dirty things to her. "...........dishes."
Vote: has 66.89 % from 222 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: dirty, wife
Son: Dad, what does 'gay' means? Father: It means 'to be happy'. Son: Are you gay? Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Vote: has 66.85 % from 202 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: gay, wife
"Didja hear the news?" asked Keenan of his pal at the saloon. "Harrigan drank so much, his wife left him!" "Bartender! Give me six boilermakers!"
Vote: has 66.71 % from 15 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: alcohol, bartender, wife
"My wife drives like thunder." "So fast?" "No, every minute she strikes a tree."
Vote: has 66.46 % from 23 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: car, time, travel, wife
A man consulted his priest about getting a divorce. The priest was surprised. "Why on earth would you want to divorce such a lovely wife? She is soft and gentle and, if I may say so, she is also quite beautiful and nicely proportioned. I really can’t see what you have to complain about." The man took off his shoe. "See this shoe," he said, showing it to the priest, "The leather is soft and gentle. It is a beautiful piece of work and nicely proportioned." "Ah"” said the priest, "a parable." "In a way, Father," replied the man. "I’m the only one who knows it pinches."
Vote: has 66.45 % from 19 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: divorce, love, men, priest, wife
One morning, while she was making breakfast, the local fitness freak walked up to his wife, pinched her on the bum and said, "You know dear if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle." This was a bit over the limit, but she controlled herself and replied with silence. Next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast. "You know love if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bras." That was too far over the limit. She rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. Maintaining a vice grip, she whispered in his ear, "You know dear if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the pool man, the gardener and your brother."
Vote: has 66.10 % from 34 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: fitness, health, sex, sport, wife
A bus full of housewives going on a picnic crashed with no survivors. Each husband cried for a week, but one husband continued for more than two weeks. When asked he replied miserably... "My wife missed the bus"
Vote: has 65.78 % from 1186 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: death, husband, marriage, wife
A preacher's wife goes to the butcher. The butcher asks if she'd like to try some damn ham. The preacher's wife is shocked. The butcher explains that "Dam Ham" is the brand name of the meat and shows her the packaging with the beaver and dam logo. That night, the preacher asks, "What's for dinner?" His wife says she bought some damn ham from the butcher. The preacher scolds his wife for using such language in their home. She explains the "Dam Ham brand name and their logo. At the dinner table, the preacher asks his 16-year-old son to pass him the "Dam Ham." The son replies, "I'll pass the damn ham if you pass me the muthaf**kin' mashed potatoes."
Vote: has 65.48 % from 26 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: food, life, wife
Q: How do you make your wife scream while having sex? A: Call her and tell her.
Vote: has 65.28 % from 548 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: phone, sex, wife
Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
Vote: has 65.18 % from 170 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: catholic, disgusting, jewish, wife