The best wife jokes

Q: How do you make your wife scream while having sex? A: Call her and tell her.
Vote: has 65.27 % from 554 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: phone, sex, wife
A drunk man comes inside a bar and says, "Happy New Year everybody." and the waiter says, "We are in June you drunk man." And the drunk man says, "Oh my god my wife is going to kill me I have never been so late in my life!"
Vote: has 65.20 % from 47 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: alcohol, bar, drunk, new year, wife
Sophie and Shirley, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community, are curious about the latest arrival in their building — a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself. Shirley says, “Sophie, you know I’m shy. Why don’t you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely.” Sophie agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says, “Excuse me, mister. I hope I’m not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely.” “Of course I’m lonely, he says, “I’ve spent the past 20 years in prison.” “You’re kidding! What for?” “For killing my third wife. I strangled her.” “What happened to your second wife?” “I shot her.” “And, if I may ask, your first wife?” “We had a fight and she fell off a building.” “Oh my,” says Sophie. Then turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells, “Yoo hoo, Shirley. He’s single.”
Vote: has 65.19 % from 33 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: death, old people, prison, wife
Q: Why doesn't Smokey the bear have any kids? A: Because every time his wife gets hot, he covers her with dirt and beats her with a shovel.
Vote: has 64.80 % from 43 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: dirty, kids, wife
Stevie Wonder recently told his wife that he wants to see other people.
Vote: has 64.78 % from 14 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: celebrity, life, wife
Why did the jellyfish's wife leave him? He stung her into action.
Vote: has 64.78 % from 14 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: animal, wife
Guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex. "I think my privates are too small." he says. The doctor asks him which drink he prefers. "Well, Lager," he replies, quite bemused. "Ah. There's your problem. It shrinks things, those Lagers. You should try drinking Guinness. That makes things grow." Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face. He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him. "I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doc. "No", replies the man "but I've got the wife on Lager!"
Vote: has 64.72 % from 36 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: beer, doctor, sex, time, wife
If you need Facebook to remind you it's your wife's birthday, I hope you own a comfortable couch.
Vote: has 64.49 % from 258 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: birthday, Facebook, wife
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper." "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" "Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
Vote: has 64.35 % from 72 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: dirty, husband, marriage, wife
Married couples, both 60 years old, were celebrating their 35th anniversary. During their party, a fairy appeared to congratulate them and grant them each one a wish. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and poof - the wife had tickets in her hand for a world cruise. Next, the fairy asked the husband what he wanted. He said, "I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me." So the fairy picked up her wand and poof - the husband was 90.
Vote: has 64.23 % from 32 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: age, anniversary, marriage, party, wife


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