The best wife jokes

A preacher's wife goes to the butcher. The butcher asks if she'd like to try some damn ham. The preacher's wife is shocked. The butcher explains that "Dam Ham" is the brand name of the meat and shows her the packaging with the beaver and dam logo. That night, the preacher asks, "What's for dinner?" His wife says she bought some damn ham from the butcher. The preacher scolds his wife for using such language in their home. She explains the "Dam Ham brand name and their logo. At the dinner table, the preacher asks his 16-year-old son to pass him the "Dam Ham." The son replies, "I'll pass the damn ham if you pass me the muthaf**kin' mashed potatoes."
Vote: has 65.48 % from 26 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: food, life, wife
Q: How do you make your wife scream while having sex? A: Call her and tell her.
Vote: has 65.27 % from 554 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: phone, sex, wife
A drunk man comes inside a bar and says, "Happy New Year everybody." and the waiter says, "We are in June you drunk man." And the drunk man says, "Oh my god my wife is going to kill me I have never been so late in my life!"
Vote: has 65.20 % from 47 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: alcohol, bar, drunk, new year, wife
Sophie and Shirley, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community, are curious about the latest arrival in their building — a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself. Shirley says, “Sophie, you know I’m shy. Why don’t you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely.” Sophie agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says, “Excuse me, mister. I hope I’m not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely.” “Of course I’m lonely, he says, “I’ve spent the past 20 years in prison.” “You’re kidding! What for?” “For killing my third wife. I strangled her.” “What happened to your second wife?” “I shot her.” “And, if I may ask, your first wife?” “We had a fight and she fell off a building.” “Oh my,” says Sophie. Then turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells, “Yoo hoo, Shirley. He’s single.”
Vote: has 65.19 % from 33 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: death, old people, prison, wife
There were two security guards who worked on opposite shifts, but looked after the same building. Over a period of a year, the night shift security guard noticed that his opposite was putting on weight. So one evening at shift change, the night shift security guard says to the day shift security guard "Hey buddy, you aint half gettin fat". To which the day shift guard replies "Yeah, that's because every time I shag your wife she gives me a chocolate biscuit".
Vote: has 65.00 % from 80 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: chocolate, fat, sex, wife, work
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper." "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" "Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
Vote: has 64.93 % from 70 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: dirty, husband, marriage, wife
Q: Why doesn't Smokey the bear have any kids? A: Because every time his wife gets hot, he covers her with dirt and beats her with a shovel.
Vote: has 64.80 % from 43 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: dirty, kids, wife
Stevie Wonder recently told his wife that he wants to see other people.
Vote: has 64.78 % from 14 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: celebrity, life, wife
Why did the jellyfish's wife leave him? He stung her into action.
Vote: has 64.78 % from 14 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: animal, wife
If you need Facebook to remind you it's your wife's birthday, I hope you own a comfortable couch.
Vote: has 64.76 % from 257 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: birthday, Facebook, wife


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