The best wife jokes

Q: How do you make your wife scream while having sex? A: Call her and tell her.
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has 65.27 % from 554 votes. More jokes about: phone, sex, wife
Sophie and Shirley, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community, are curious about the latest arrival in their building — a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself. Shirley says, “Sophie, you know I’m shy. Why don’t you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely.” Sophie agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says, “Excuse me, mister. I hope I’m not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely.” “Of course I’m lonely, he says, “I’ve spent the past 20 years in prison.” “You’re kidding! What for?” “For killing my third wife. I strangled her.” “What happened to your second wife?” “I shot her.” “And, if I may ask, your first wife?” “We had a fight and she fell off a building.” “Oh my,” says Sophie. Then turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells, “Yoo hoo, Shirley. He’s single.”
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has 65.19 % from 33 votes. More jokes about: death, old people, prison, wife
The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you," the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity." The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked.
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has 65.14 % from 40 votes. More jokes about: kids, lawyer, money, wife
There were two security guards who worked on opposite shifts, but looked after the same building. Over a period of a year, the night shift security guard noticed that his opposite was putting on weight. So one evening at shift change, the night shift security guard says to the day shift security guard "Hey buddy, you aint half gettin fat". To which the day shift guard replies "Yeah, that's because every time I shag your wife she gives me a chocolate biscuit".
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has 64.90 % from 83 votes. More jokes about: chocolate, fat, sex, wife, work
Did you hear about the cannibal spider that ate his uncle's wife? He was an aunteater.
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has 64.88 % from 18 votes. More jokes about: animal, food, wife
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper." "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" "Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
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has 64.81 % from 73 votes. More jokes about: dirty, husband, marriage, wife
Stevie Wonder recently told his wife that he wants to see other people.
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has 64.78 % from 14 votes. More jokes about: celebrity, life, wife
Why did the jellyfish's wife leave him? He stung her into action.
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has 64.78 % from 14 votes. More jokes about: animal, wife
Guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex. "I think my privates are too small." he says. The doctor asks him which drink he prefers. "Well, Lager," he replies, quite bemused. "Ah. There's your problem. It shrinks things, those Lagers. You should try drinking Guinness. That makes things grow." Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face. He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him. "I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doc. "No", replies the man "but I've got the wife on Lager!"
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has 64.72 % from 36 votes. More jokes about: beer, doctor, sex, time, wife
If you need Facebook to remind you it's your wife's birthday, I hope you own a comfortable couch.
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has 64.49 % from 258 votes. More jokes about: birthday, Facebook, wife
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