Question: Why do men die before their wives? Answer: Because they want to.
A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan. He asks, "What was that for?" She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with Betty Sue written on it." He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? Betty Sue was the name of the horse I went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he is reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan. He asks, "What was that for?" She answers, "Your horse called."
Two husbands were having a conversation, First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
A man goes to see a wizard and says "can you lift a curse that was put on me years ago ?" "Maybe," says the wizard, "if you can remember the exact words of the curse ?" The man replies without hesitation "I pronounce you man and wife ..."
Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars." Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
Question: How can you tell if your wife is dead? Answer: The sex will be the same but the dishes will pile up.
Stevie Wonder recently told his wife that he wants to see other people.
There is a man who goes out drinking all the time and comes home very later every night. So one night his wife decides to teach him a lesson. She dresses up like Satan, and decides to hide in the dark, and scare him when he gets home. The man comes home, and his wife jumps out and screams in his face. He just looks at her and says, ”You don’t scare me I am married to your sister!”’
Got home from the pub at 3'o clock this morning. The wife was waiting at the door with a rolling pin. I said to her, "what are you doing..baking..at this time of the night" ?
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my wife's bra off, I decided to give up, I wish I'd never put it on now.