The best wife jokes

Q: What did the snowman and his wife put over their baby's crib? A: A snowmobile!
Vote: has 61.28 % from 16 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: baby, wife, winter
"Is it rape if it's your wife?" "I don't think so." "What a relief! I thought you'd be mad as hell!"
Vote: has 61.19 % from 89 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: dirty, wife
John asks his wife, Mary, what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary. “Would you like a new Mink Coat?” he asks. “Not really,” says Mary. “Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?” says John. “No,” she responds. “What about a new vacation home in the country?” he suggests. She again rejects his offer with a, “No thanks.” Frustrated he finally asks, “Well what would you like for your anniversary?” “John, I’d like a divorce,” answers Mary. John thinks for a moment and replies “Sorry dear, I wasn’t planning to spend that much.”
Vote: has 61.01 % from 29 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: anniversary, car, divorce, men, wife
A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"
Vote: has 60.85 % from 32 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: couple, food, marriage, sex, wife
A man was going to bed one night when his wife told him that he had left the light on in the shed. She could see the light was on from the bedroom window. As the man looked for himself he saw that there were people in the shed taking things. The man phoned the police, but they told him that no one was in the area to help him at that time, but they would send someone over as soon as they were available. He said "OK," hung up, and waited one minute, then phoned the police back. "Hello" he said, "I just called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now 'cause I've shot them." Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, an Armed Response unit, the works. Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed. One of the officers said: "I thought you said that you shot Them!" The man replied, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
Vote: has 60.69 % from 38 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: cop, phone, wife
Question: Why do men die before their wives? Answer: Because they want to.
Vote: has 60.69 % from 38 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: death, men, wife, women
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the plant and get some work done."
Vote: has 60.56 % from 19 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: life, relationship, time, wife
A Saudi prince recently requested that naked statues be covered up while visiting Rome. Apparently his 9 year old wife found them offensive.
Vote: has 60.56 % from 19 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: age, dirty, religious, wife
A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?" He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor!"
Vote: has 60.42 % from 252 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: husband, marriage, sex, wife
Mike, to a blonde at the bar: "It's rude to interrupt a man when he's talking to his wife." Sara: "Wife?" Mike: "I'm working on it." Sara: "You're awful sure of yourself." Mike: "You too."
Vote: has 60.15 % from 22 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: bar, blonde, flirt, mean, wife