The best wife jokes

Question: How can you tell if your wife is dead? Answer: The sex will be the same but the dishes will pile up.
Vote: has 59.79 % from 40 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: death, sex, wife, women
A man was going to bed one night when his wife told him that he had left the light on in the shed. She could see the light was on from the bedroom window. As the man looked for himself he saw that there were people in the shed taking things. The man phoned the police, but they told him that no one was in the area to help him at that time, but they would send someone over as soon as they were available. He said "OK," hung up, and waited one minute, then phoned the police back. "Hello" he said, "I just called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now 'cause I've shot them." Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, an Armed Response unit, the works. Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed. One of the officers said: "I thought you said that you shot Them!" The man replied, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
Vote: has 59.75 % from 37 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: cop, phone, wife
Question: Why do men die before their wives? Answer: Because they want to.
Vote: has 59.75 % from 37 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: death, men, wife, women
Q: Did you hear about the Hungarian who thought his wife was trying to kill him? A: On her dressing table he found a bottle of "Hungarian Remover".
Vote: has 59.19 % from 15 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: death, ethnic, wife
There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You’re beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “You’re cute!” Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.” She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’?” His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!”
Vote: has 58.75 % from 18 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: beauty, drug, lawyer, wife
Sthi Bash is sitting in a bar drinking some alcohol. After some couple of drinks he tries to stand up and he falls. He crawls to the door of the bar and tries to stand up and he falls again, he crawls until he reaches the door in his house and he tries to stand but then for the third time he falls again. He then decides to knock on the door while he is on the ground. His wife opens the door and surprised she asks him, "Where the hell did you leave your wheelchair?"
Vote: has 58.75 % from 18 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: alcohol, bar, wife
A Saudi prince recently requested that naked statues be covered up while visiting Rome. Apparently his 9 year old wife found them offensive.
Vote: has 58.75 % from 18 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: age, dirty, religious, wife
An alcoholic walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." "Why you worthless, stupid, no good drunk!" she screamed. "Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
Vote: has 58.51 % from 24 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: alcohol, bar, wife
"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant, "you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man." "That's correct," says the defendant. "Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her." "That's correct," says the defendant. "Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?" asked the prosecutor. "It seemed easier," replied the defendant, "than shooting a different man every day!"
Vote: has 58.51 % from 24 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: lawyer, marriage, wife
Why doesn't Osama bin Laden have sex with his five wives? Because every time he spreads their legs he sees Bush.
Vote: has 57.62 % from 46 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: celebrity, military, sex, wife