The best wine jokes

Q: What did the grape say when it was crushed? A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
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has 77.50 % from 30 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, communication, wine
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine... I always get better with age. The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
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has 76.89 % from 23 votes. More jokes about: age, communication, mean, wife, wine
A man enters a store and says: "15 litres of wine please." "Did you bring a container for this? " "You're speaking to it."
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has 76.51 % from 40 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, drunk, men, wine
How to give a cat a pill. 1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left Arm and repeat process. 3. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 4. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws, ignore growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. 5. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. 6. Wrap cat in a large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of a drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw. 7. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take away the taste. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from the carpet with soap and water. 8. Tie the little angel's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of the dining table. Find heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat's throat to wash down pill. 9. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the A&E, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill from your eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order a new table. 10. Arrange for RSPCA to collect the mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see whether they have any hamsters.
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has 75.87 % from 133 votes. More jokes about: animal, cat, drug, life, wine
It's funny how 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible... But 8 glasses of wine can be done in one meal.
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has 74.97 % from 21 votes. More jokes about: time, wine
It doesn't matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There's clearly room for more wine.
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has 74.43 % from 26 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, wine
It was the kindergarten teachers birthday and the students decided that they would each buy their teacher a gift. The first student, whose parents own a florist shop, gave her a present. She held it and said "I guess that it is flowers". "How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She laughed and thanked him. The second student, whose parents own a candy store, gave her a present. She held it and said, "I guess that is some candy." "How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She again laughed and thanked him also. The third student, whose parents own a bottle shop, gave her a box which was leaking. The teacher touched the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Mmmmm is it wine?" she asked. "No," said the little girl. So she tasted it again. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "Noooo," replied the little girl, "It's a puppy."
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has 73.80 % from 64 votes. More jokes about: birthday, disgusting, student, teacher, wine
"I'm sorry for throwing red wine over all your dresses in the wardrobe last night," I told my girlfriend. "I've spent all day getting the stains out just to show how much you mean to me." "Oh, that's really nice," she said. "What did you use to remove the stains?" "Scissors," I replied.
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has 72.56 % from 24 votes. More jokes about: communication, mean, relationship, wine
I can't wait for the day when I can drink wine with my kids instead of because of them.
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has 69.86 % from 26 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, kids, time, wine
Chuck Noris can make grapes from wine.
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has 69.19 % from 21 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, wine