Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. “I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered. “What did he say?,” asked the nurse. “OOPS!”
Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here." Helium doesn't react.
I was at a magic show, when after one particularly amazing trick, someone screamed out, "wow, how did you do that." I would tell you", answered the magician predictably, "but then I'd have to kill you." After a moments pause the same voice screamed out "can you tell my mother in law?"
Before I criticize a man, I like to walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when I do criticize him, I'm a mile away and I have his shoes.
An airman in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a marine joke?" The guy next to him replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs, and I'm a marine. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2" tall, weighs 225, and he's a marine. The fella next to him is 6'5" tall, weighs 250, and he's also a marine. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?" The Airman says, "Nah, I don't want to have to explain it three times."
Two blondes are on opposite sides of a lake. One blonde yells to the other, "How do you get to the other side?" "You are on the other side," the other blonde yells back.
10 years ago we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash. Now we have no jobs, no hope and no cash.
"You seem to be in some distress," said the kindly judge to the witness. "Is anything the matter?" "Well, your Honour," said the witness, "I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects."
They once had a showing of Walker Texas Ranger in 3D. There where no survivors.
Arnold Schwarzenegger always says he'll be back. But Chuck Norris always handles things the first time