The barbershop was crowded, so the woman at the cash register offered to put my name on the waiting list.
"What is it?" she asked.
"Stephen, with a P-H," I said.
Minutes later, a chair opened up, and my name was called: "Pheven?"
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I sent a reminder to a client that it was time to visit the eye doctor.
He called back to inform me that he would not be coming in because, as he put it, "I have a new obstetrician."
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Don't get upset if I ask you where something is in Target when you choose to wear a red shirt and khakis to shop.
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Q: How did the wanna-be-hipster die?
A: Trying to cross the mainstream!
How is a man like a snowstorm?
You don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.
After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman’s nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks. "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no! You are so hot when you’re jealous!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
She whispers in his ear: "That’s me before the surgery."
Yo mama is so fat every time she sits down they add another country to the map.
A man and his wife were having sex one night in there bedroom.
There little boy opens the door and says "Daddy what are you doing to mama?"
Then the daddy says "Making you a little sister"
And then the boy replies "Hell no do it doggy style I want a puppy."
Two doctors are having s*x, he says to her, "You must be a surgeon, you washed your hands before and after."
She replies, "Well you must be an anesthetist, because I didn't feel a f*cking thing!"
10 years ago we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash.
Now we have no jobs, no hope and no cash.