If you think nobody care if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
Q: Why don't kleptomaniacs get puns?
A: Because they take things. Literally.
Vote:
Q: How do you make four old ladies say "FUCK!"?
A: Get a fifth one to yell "BINGO!"
What did the black woman name her 5 sons?
Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, and Tyrone.
How did she tell them apart? She just called them by thier last names.
Vote:
When I reached bus stop I saw a pretty blonde who was gazing me.
First I supposed perhaps she loves me so I also watched her and twinkled her.
Then I understood she has farted and is looking me in order whether I would feel or not.
Me using the Siri app on my iPhone:
Me: "Siri, call my wife."
Siri: "Samantha McLaughlin is not in your contacts."
Me: "Samantha Gibbs is my wife."
Siri: "I've added Samantha Gibbs as your wife."
Me: "Call my wife."
Siri: "Which wife?"
Vote:
Q: Why don't witches wear panties when flying on their broomsticks?
A: Better traction.
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.
Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer,
"What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
There is no backspace button on Chuck Norris' keyboard.
Chuck Norris never makes mistakes.
Vote:
Q: How do you know if Asians are moving into the neighborhood?
A: The Mexicans start buying car insurance.