Q: How can you tell when the chief accountant is getting soft? A: When he actually listens to marketing before saying no.
'You're beautiful and I love you," I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied "I just want to be friends."
My girlfriend came out of the shower and said, "I shaved my pussy you know what that means?" I said, "Yeah the fucking drain is clogged again."
Blonde: "What does IDK stand for?" Brunette: "I don’t know." Blonde: "OMG, nobody does!"
Q. Difference between a man buying a lottery ticket and a man fighting with his wife... A. A man has a chance at winning at the lottery.
Q: How do you make four old ladies say "FUCK!"? A: Get a fifth one to yell "BINGO!"
Once upon a time, there was a king who thought that his officers were going to try to have sex with his queen. So he made all of his officers put on tight pants and told them that if anyone got a boner their head would be chopped off. So he lined them up and the queen came to the first one and took off her gown. He got a boner, so that was the end of him. Then she came to the next one and took off her gown, he got a boner and that was the end of him. This went on until she came to the last one and took off gown, then her underthings and he didn't get a boner. So she took off his clothes and started rolling on the floor with him, half an hour went by, then an hour, finally after two hours the king came in to see what was happening and as soon as the king came in the guy got a boner.
Yo momma's so fat; she's on both sides of the family!
I like my women how I like my laptop. Sat on my lap, turned on & completely virus free.
If you carefully examine your health insurance policy, you will see that there is no cover for "Chuck Norris related incidents".