Davie Jones is afraid of Chuck Norris' Locker.
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A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble.
His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble.
He's so desperate he decides to ask God for help.
He begins to pray...
"God, please help me.
I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well.
Please let me win the lottery."
Lottery night comes and somebody else wins it.
Joe again prays...
"God, please let me win the lottery!
I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck.
Once again, he prays...
"My God, why have you forsaken me??
I've lost my business, my house, and my car.
My wife and children are starving.
I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you.
PLEASE just let me win the lottery this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Joe, meet Me halfway on this.
Buy a ticket."
A Liberal died and a friend went around collecting for a fund for his funeral.
A woman was asked to donate ten dollars.
"Ten dollars?" she said.
"It only takes ten dollars to bury a Liberal? Here's a hundred - go bury 10 of them!"
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Two fathers chat outside school in the morning;
"Bill, have you solved your son’s math problems?"
"Yes, man, I did. Why?"
"Can you quickly give them to me, so I can copy them...?"
A woman runs into a doctor’s office and says “DOCTOR! DOCTOR!
You have to help me!
Everywhere I touch on my body it hurts!”
The doctor replied, “Show me.”
So the woman poked her ankle and screamed of pain.
Then she poked her knee and yelled OW.
She poked her forehead and screamed again.
She was about to continue when the doctor said, “That’s enough, let me think this over.”
He thought for about a minute and said “I think I know what your problem is. You broke your finger.”
The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer.
"I can arrange some things for you," the devil said.
"I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."
The lawyer thought for a moment.
"What's the catch?" he asked.
A blonde has sharp pains in her side.
The doctor examines her and says, "You have acute appendicitis."
The blonde says, "That's sweet, doc, but I came here to get medical help."
You're living, you occupy space, and you have mass.
You know what that means?
You Matter.
blonde asked someone what time it was, and the person told her it was 3:45.
The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied, "You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."
Did you hear about the man who took Viagra and a laxative at the same time?
He didn't know if he was coming or going.
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