Best jokes ever

A lady goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift. "Well," says the doctor, "I can do the facelift, and then you’ll have to come back in six months for a follow-up." "Oh, no.”" the woman replies. "I want it all done in one shot. I don’t want to have to come back." The doctor thinks for a second, then offers, "There is a new procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn, which pulls the skin up and they disappear." "That’s what I want!" exclaims the lady. "Let’s do that." Six months later the lady charges into the doctor’s office. "Well, how’s the procedure holding up?" the doctor asks. "Terrible!" the lady bellows. "It’s the worst mistake I’ve ever made." "What’s wrong?" asks the doctor. "Just look at these bags under my eyes!" she hollers. "Lady," the doctor reports, "those aren’t bags, those are your boobs, and if you don’t leave that screw alone, you’re going to have a beard!"
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has 75.27 % from 27 votes. More jokes about: doctor, office, women
I tried to sue the airport for losing my luggage. I lost my case.
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has 75.27 % from 27 votes. More jokes about: airplane, lawyer
The Judge said to the defendant. "I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again." "Your Honor," the criminal said, "that's what I tried to tell the police, but they wouldn't listen."
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has 75.27 % from 27 votes. More jokes about: cop
A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner “Mom & Pop” grocery store picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. “Oh, no laundry,” the boy said. “I’m going to wash my dog.” “But you shouldn’t use this to wash your dog. It’s very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he’ll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.” But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog. About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. “Oh, he died,” the boy said. The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, “I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog.” “Well,” the boy replied, “I don’t think it was the detergent that killed him.” “Oh, what was it then?” “I think it was the spin cycle.”
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has 75.27 % from 27 votes. More jokes about: age, death, dog, kids
Q: What do New Year's Parades have in common with Santa Claus? A: No one is awake to see either of them.
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has 75.27 % from 27 votes. More jokes about: new year, Santa
Why use Linux: No Windows, no Gates, no Bill to pay.
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has 75.27 % from 27 votes. More jokes about: computer, geek, IT, money, technology
Baby Rabbit: "Mommy, where did I come from?" Mother Rabbit: "I ll tell you when you re older." Baby Rabbit: "Oh, Mommy, please, tell me now." Mother Rabbit: "If you must know, you were pulled from a magician's hat."
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has 75.27 % from 27 votes. More jokes about: age, animal
Q: What do women and airplanes have in common? A: They both have a cockpit.
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has 75.27 % from 27 votes. More jokes about: airplane, dirty, women
An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.
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has 75.27 % from 27 votes. More jokes about: animal
Q: What is the difference between frustration and satisfaction? A: What the Fuck! and What a Fuck!
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has 75.27 % from 27 votes. More jokes about: communication, life, sex
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