A wife to her husband:
"Honey, what are you doing?"
"I'm reading our marriage certificate."
"What for?"
"I'm looking for the expiry date..."
Man decides to buy a pet, but does not know what he wants as a pet, so he goes to the pet shop in search of a pet.
He sees cats in a cage dogs on another cage spiders, rabbits, frogs, birds, fish in aquariums and finally he sees a very colorful parrot in the corner of the store and he goes to the area where the parrot was and salesman asks him, "Are you interested in this parrot?"
The man says, "Does he talk?" the salesman says, "If you pull his left leg he will say the our father and if you pull his right leg, he will say the hailmary!"
The man says, "What will the parrot say if I pull both legs at the same time?"
The parrot says, "I'll fall on my ass stupid!"
Yo mamma's so fat that she had to get baptized at seaworld.
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.
The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom – I'll show you how."
Vote:
Q: What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
A: One's a Goodyear. The other's a great year.
Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity, he got it back.
Vote:
"If women ruled the world," said my wife, "there'd be no wars."
"That's true," I replied. "Wars require strategy and logic."
Wishing to prove to his wife that he loved her for more than sex, the young man bought her a
lovely bouquet of roses.
Despite his good intentions, however, the devoted husband received a
suspicious look when he handed her the flowers.
"I suppose," she said, "that now you expect
me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs spread."
"Why?" said the young man.
"Don't we have a vase?"
My husband told me to find him the best penis enlargement product.
So I gave him a magnifying glass!
A Jewish family invited their Redneck neighbors over for holiday dinner.
The first course was set in front of them and the Jewish couple announced, "This is a soup made with matzoh balls."
On seeing the 2 large matzoh balls in the soup, the redneck man was hesitant to taste this strange looking brew.
Gently, the Jewish couple urged him to, "Just have a taste. If you don't like it, you don't have to finish it."
Finally, he agrees.
He digs his spoon in, first picking up a small piece of matzoh ball with some soup in the spoon, and tasting it gingerly. The usual mmmm sound can be heard coming from somewhere deep in his chest, and he quickly finished the soup.
"That was delicious," he said, but I was wondering...
"Can you eat any other parts of the matzoh?"