Best jokes ever

There are only two things to worry about: Either you are well, or you are sick. If you are well, then there is nothing to worry about. But if your sick, there are two things to worry about. Either you will get well, or you will die. If you get well, there is nothing to worry about. But if you die, there are only two things to worry about. Either you will go to heaven or hell. If you go to heaven, there is nothing to worry about. But if you go to hell, you'll be so damn busy shaking hands with friends, you won't have time to worry.
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has 74.29 % from 93 votes. More jokes about: black humor, death, health, heaven
A man leaves a bar, gets into his car and drives away. A mile down the road, he's stopped by a police officer. The officer walked up to the driver's side window holding a Breathalyzer and said: "Good evening sir. We're testing for drunk driving. Would you please blow into this machine?" The man says: "Sorry officer, but I can't do that. I have asthma. If I blow in that machine, I will get out of air." "Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample", said the officer. "I can't do that. I have anemia and if you stick a needle in me I will bleed to death." "Well, then we need a urine sample." "I'm sorry officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar." "Alright... then you'll have to get out and walk 5 yards along this white line." "I can't do that either, officer." The officer was getting irritated... "And why not?" "Because I'm dead drunk."
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has 74.28 % from 51 votes. More jokes about: bar, car, cop, drunk
Natalie, a pretty but distraught blonde model, took her troubles to a psychiatrist. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time a man takes me out, I wind up in bed with him. And then afterward I feel guilty and depressed all day long." "I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you want me to strengthen your will power." "Heavens, NO!" exclaimed the model. "I want you to fix it so I don't feel guilty and depressed afterward."
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has 74.28 % from 51 votes. More jokes about: blonde
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said "I'm here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything." "That's quite a coincidence", said the engineer, "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything." The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?", he asked.
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has 74.28 % from 51 votes. More jokes about: black humor, fish, lawyer, money, work
Back in my day, we didn't watch TV while we ate dinner. We actually talked to each other. It was awful!
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has 74.28 % from 51 votes. More jokes about: food, life, technology
Chuck Norris finished the Never Ending Story.
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has 74.27 % from 102 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris
This old man and woman were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat it read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her very most private part was an oyster and inside it was a pearl worth $50,000 ...please advise." So the old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap..."
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has 74.27 % from 190 votes. More jokes about: black humor, old people, wife
How does a black woman know when she's pregnant? When she pulls out her tampon all the cotton is picked off.
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has 74.27 % from 965 votes. More jokes about: black people, racist
What does the cannibal do just after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his ass.
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has 74.23 % from 181 votes. More jokes about: black humor, disgusting, food, relationship
Yo mamma is so fat, her husband has to stand up in bed each morning to see if it's daylight.
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has 74.22 % from 258 votes. More jokes about: fat, husband, insulting, Yo mama
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