Best jokes ever

A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off. The priest has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to make an example of him. He says to his congregation, "All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand." The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man. Then the preacher says even more loudly, "And he who would like to find a place in hell please stand up!" The weary man catching only the last part groggily stands up, only to find that he’s the only one standing. Confused and embarrassed he says, "I don’t know what we’re voting on here, Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it!"
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has 74.20 % from 46 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, drunk, heaven
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he ot it. He told them to bug off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. “OK, follow me,” he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. “Now, do you see that tree over there?” he asked. “YES, YES, YES!” the bats all screamed in a frenzy. “Good!” said the first bat, “Because I fucking didn’t!”
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has 74.20 % from 46 votes. More jokes about: animal
The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "George, why has your school work been so poor lately?" "I’m in love," the boy replied. Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?" "With you," he said. "But George," she said gently, "don’t you see how silly that is? It’s true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don’t want a child." "Oh, don’t worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I’ll use a rubber."
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has 74.20 % from 46 votes. More jokes about: age, kids, love, school, teacher
Yo Mama so stupid she put a peephole in a glass door!
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has 74.19 % from 228 votes. More jokes about: stupid, Yo mama
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
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has 74.18 % from 185 votes. More jokes about: dirty, game, masturbation, sex
How do you kill 10,000 Mexicans? Throw a peso over a cliff. How do you kill 10,000 more? Tell them nobody got it.
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has 74.18 % from 367 votes. More jokes about: death, mexican, racist
Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice from a banana.
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has 74.18 % from 283 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, food
*WINS AN OSCAR* Me: I'd like to thank my legs, for always supporting me; my arms, who are always by my side and lastly my fingers, I can always count on them.
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has 74.17 % from 65 votes. More jokes about: life
On a men's bathroom wall, someone had hastily scrawled, "I slept with your mother." Underneath it, another person had written, "Go home dad, you're drunk."
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has 74.17 % from 65 votes. More jokes about: dad, drunk, kids
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper." "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" "Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
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has 74.17 % from 65 votes. More jokes about: husband, marriage, wife, women
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