Teacher: "I will call your parents!" Elementary student: "No! I’ll be a good boy!" Junior High School Student: "Pffff… Anyway…" High School Student: "Send my mother my greetings!"
"If I could be someone for one day I would be Justin Beiber and run off a cliff"
Two black men are walking down the street. They pass a shop that advertises "Be White For a Day! Ninety-nine cents!" The two guys decide to try it out and they look to see how much money they have. One guy has a dollar bill, and the other guy has exactly ninety-eight cents. They decide that the first guy will go in with the dollar, get his change and then give it to the second guy so he can go in. Problem solved. The first guy goes in, and after a few minutes, he comes out with white skin, kakhi slacks, a polo, and a golf cap. They laugh and admire his new race for a minute. Then the second guy says, "How about that penny?" The first guy yells, "GET A JOB!"
Boss comes up to an employee: "Yesterday you did a great job - in one day you managed to do as much work, as you did in previous month!" "Thanks boss, that's because Facebook was shut down for the whole day."
If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by tomorrow morning.
I stopped understanding math when the alphabet decided to get involved.
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.
The seven dwarves are in Rome and they go on a tour of the city. After a while they go to the Vatican and meet the Pope. Grumpy, for once, seems to have a lot to say. He keeps asking the Pontiff questions about the church and, in particular, the nuns. "Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?" Grumpy asks. "No, my son, all of our nuns are at least five feet tall," smiles the Pope. "Are you sure? I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that are, say, about my height? Maybe a little shorter?" "I'm afraid not. Why do you ask?" "No reason," replies Grumpy. "But you're positive? Nobody in a habit that's about three feet tall, maybe two-and-a-half feet tall?" "I'm sure, my vertically-challenged son," says the Pope, trying not show his curiosity. "Okay," moans Grumpy. So the Pope listens to the dwarves as they leave the building. "What'd he say? What'd he say?" chant the other six dwarves. Grumpy mutters, "He said they don't have any." And the other six start chanting, "Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin!"
Just been to the gym and there's a new machine. Only used it for an hour as I started to feel sick. Its good though, it does everything 'Kitkats, Mars bars, Snickers and crisps'!
Yo momma so fat, when she turns around, people give her a welcome back party!