A policeman arrested two kids on bonfire night.
One for drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
He charged one and let the other one off.
You could give me 37 years to do homework and I still wouldn't do it until the night before.
Two guys always catch the train to work together; one is French, the other Italian.
Every morning when the French guy gets on, he passes his fingers underneath his nose while sniffing and says "Aaahhh... Fifi!"
He does this every day, so the Italian guy says to him one morning, "Why do you do that and say 'Aaahhh... Fifi!'?"
The French man explaines that Fifi is his wife, and he fingers her every morning and it reminds him of her all day.
The next morning, the French guy gets on the trains and sniffs his fingers saying, "Fifi!"
Then the Italian guy gets on and runs his whole arm under his nose and says, "Aaahhh... Maria!"
Vote:
You are so old, if you to acted your age, you'd die.
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine.
I guess that was why several of us died of tuberculosis.
Vote:
The following sign was posted at a fast food restaurant owned by two blondes:
"Parking for drive-through customers only!"
Q: Did you hear about the blonde skydiver?
A: She missed the Earth.
‘Its been a rough day.
I put on a shirt and a button fell off.
I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off.
I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.’ Rodney Dangerfield
Q: What is the difference between Election day and Thanksgiving day?
A: On Thanksgiving, you get a turkey for the day; on Election day, you get a turkey for four years.
I went to an ISIS birthday party once.
The musical chairs were a bit slow but fuck me the pass the parcel was quick.