Getting your ass kicked by Chuck Norris? The only good news is you know when you will die.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Two hikers are out hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them. They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first hiker gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on. The second hiker says, "What are you doing?" The first responds, "I figure when the bear gets close to us, we ll have to jump down and make a run for it." The second says, "Are you crazy? Don't you know you can't outrun a bear? The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the bear... I only have to outrun you!"
Two cows were chatting over the fence between their fields. The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm." The other cow replied, "Hell, I ain't worried, it won't affect us ducks."
A lawyer was asked if he likes to become a Jehovah's Witness. He declined, as he hadn't seen the accident, but replied that he would still be interested in taking the case.
There's a rumor that Steve Jobs, has been a Buddhist, has been reincarnated as a factory worker on a sweatshop assembly line in China.
Chuck Norris can peel an orange with his eyelids, but he rarely needs Vitamin C.
Q: What is height of forgetfulness? A: Seeing the mirror and trying to recollect when you saw him / her last.
Chuck Norris doesn't breathe, he holds air hostage.
When Chuck Norris has a heart attack, he attacks back.