Me: Siri, why am I alone?
Siri: *opens front facing camera*
How do they name Chinese baby's?
They throw silverware down the stairs until they hear something they like.
Dad shouts: "Stop watching porn, I can hear it in my room!"
Son: "Dad.. I'm not watching porn, that is Maria Sharapova playing Tennis!"
My family says I talk in my sleep but nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
A nursing assistant, a floor nurse and a charge nurse from a small nursing home were taking a lunch break in the break room.
In walks a lady dressed in silk scarves and wearing large polished-stone jewelry.
"I am Gina the Great," stated the lady. "I am so pleased with the way you have taken care of my aunt that I will now grant the next three wishes!"
With a wave of her hand and a puff of smoke, the room was filled with flowers, fruit and bottles of drink, proving that she did have the power to grant wishes before any of the nurses could think otherwise.
The nurses quickly argued among themselves as to which one would ask for the first wish.
Speaking up, the nursing assistant wished first. "I wish I were on a tropical island beach, with single, well-built men feeding me fruit and tending to my every need."
With a puff of smoke, the nursing assistant was gone.
The floor nurse went next. "I wish I were rich and retired, and spending my days in my own warm cabin at a ski resort with well-groomed men feeding me cocoa and doughnuts."
With a puff of smoke, she too was gone.
"Now, what is the last wish?" asked the lady.
The charge nurse said, "I want those two back on the floor at the end of the lunch break."
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office. I will find you. You have my Word.
Chuck Norris won the Tour De France on a stationary bike.
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What did the egg say to the boiling water?
"How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago."
What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A rumor.
There was a plane crash into the jungle. A group of men survived, but were caught by savages and taken to their village. Then, chief came out of his cabbin and said:"You can choose between TUNGA-MUNGA and DEATH. What is your choice?". They looked one another and screamed:" Tunga-munga, tunga-munga!" Then chief turned to his tribe and ordered:" TUNGA-MUNGA!!" And prisoners got f****d by every single male in the tribe. Tomorrow, chief asked the same question, and they again chose tunga-munga.But,the thi rd day, they decided that they can't take it any more so they chose death instead. Chief asked if they were sure about their decision, and after affirmative answer he turned to his tribe and ordered:" TUNGA-MUNGA TILL DEATH!!"
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