If Chuck Norris had to he could give CPR to himself.
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Q: Why is horse racing so romantic?
A: Because the horse hugs the rails, the jockey puts his arms around the horse and you can kiss your money goodbye.
Chuck Norris can text using a rotary phone.
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Lightning doesn't strike Chuck Norris, chuck norris strikes lightning!
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I couldn’t find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.
The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands.
"Now," she asked me, "Has your plane arrived yet?"
Q: What's the difference between an NFL player and an elevator?
A: The elevator can raise a child.
Chuck Norris' toothpaste doesn't have baking soda in it, it has gunpowder in it.
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Chuck Norris was a comedian, but everyone started to die of laughter.
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A fellow bought a new Corvette and was out on an interstate for a nice evening drive.
The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.
"There ain't no way they can catch a Corvette," he thought to himself and opened her up further.
The needle hit 90, 100, 130 and finally 150 with the light still behind him.
"What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!"
"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Off you go," said the officer.
I stopped understanding math when the alphabet decided to get involved.