A middle aged woman was driving through a school zone when a policeman pulled her over for speeding.
As he was giving her the ticket, she said, “How come I always get a ticket and everyone else gets a warning?
Is it my face?”
“No, ma’am,” explained the officer, “it’s your foot.”
What starts with "F" and ends with "UCK"?
"firetruck"! What were you thinking?
What starts with "P" and ends with "ORN"?
"popcorn"! What were you thinking?!
Yo mama so ugly people dress up as her for Halloween!
Q: Why did the girl spread peanut butter on the road?
A: To go with the traffic jam!
A nun gets into a cab and notices that the driver can't stop staring at her. So she asks him why is he staring and he answers, "I have a question I need to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
The nun replies, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you have had a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
The cab driver hesitates for a moment and then says, "Well it's like this; I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me."
The nun replies, "Ok well, let's see what we can do about that, shall we. There are two conditions though - firstly you have to be single and secondly you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, yes! I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun then says, "Ok then, pull into the next alley."
The cab driver does so and the nun duly goes ahead and fulfills his fantasy. They get back on the road and start driving again, but the cab driver soon starts to cry.
The nun sees this and asks him, "My dear child, pray tell, why are you crying?"
The cab driver says, "You must forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied to you - I must confess that I'm married and I'm also Jewish."
The nun laughs and says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."
Vote:
An old man and his wife went to the doctor's office.
The doctor asked the man for a blood, urine and feces sample.
The man was slightly deaf and said, "What?"
The doctor said, "I need a blood, urine and feces sample."
The man still looked puzzled, so his wife leaned over and yelled into his ear, "Sheldon, the doctor needs a pair of your underwear."
Vote:
Old librarians never die, they just lose their references.
Do you know what a plateau is?
It's the highest form of flattery!
There once was a gal named Lewinsky,
Who played music like a Stravinsky.
"Twas "Hail to the Chief"
On this flute made of beef.
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.
Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,
"We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski.
Since you look such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And wipe that goo off of your chinsky."
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown.
What Kaczynski must surely have known:
That an intern is better.
Than a bomb in a letter.
Given the choice of how to be blown.
Father's Day always worried James.
He was afraid that he will get a gift he can't afford.
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