What do tight pants and a cheap motel have in common?
No ball room.
It's a proven fact that you will go blind faster staring at a picture of Chuck Norris than you would staring at the sun.
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King Kong climbed the Empire State Building because Chuck Norris was waiting at the bottom.
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A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub.
She says "Show me it's true what they say about black men".
So he stabs her and takes her purse.
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"If I could be someone for one day I would be Justin Beiber and run off a cliff"
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Yo mama so fat when she was swimming in the ocean the indians claimed her as the new land.
If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?
The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy.
The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.
"Ever have an accident?"
"Nope, nary a one."
"None? You've never had any accidents."
"Nope. Ain't had one. Never."
"Well, you said in this form you were bitten by a snake once. Wouldn't you consider that an accident?"
"Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose."
A young priest is unhappy with how little money his congregation contributes every week to the collection plate.
So decides to try a new tack and hypnotize them, using Father Matthews' priceless pocket watch.
Thus hypnotized, they all give the five bucks he asked them too.
Pumped by his success, he ups the amount to $10 the next week.
Amazingly, everybody gives ten bucks each.
The week after that, he decides to up it to twenty bucks, but just as he's about to announce the amount, he drops the watch.
"S**t!" It took the workers two weeks to clean up the church.
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"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant.
"You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter."
"Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"