Toilets are like mothers-in-law: the farther away the better.
Agony: a one-armed man hanging off a cliff with itchy balls.
Always remember: There is not problem that 6 glasses of wine can't solve.
"Doctor I feel like biscuits!" "What, you mean those square ones?" "Yes!" "The ones you put butter on?" "Yes!" "Well, that means you’re crackers!"
A guy asks his waiter at a restaurant how they prepare their chicken. The waiter goes blank for a second, then says, "Nothing special really... We just tell them they're going to die..."
What does CPA stand for? Can't Pass Again.
An ideal man doesn't drink, doesn't snore, doesn't watch football, doesn't argue and DOESNT'T EXIST.
If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, a hipster will buy it on vinyl.
Q: How much does a hipster weigh? A: An instagram
One time Chuck Norris saluted an American flag and it blushed.