Q: Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?
A: Classical conditioning.
Q: What do dogs do after they finish obedience school?
A: They get their masters.
Yo mama so ugly people dress up as her for Halloween!
Q: Why did the girl spread peanut butter on the road?
A: To go with the traffic jam!
A nun gets into a cab and notices that the driver can't stop staring at her. So she asks him why is he staring and he answers, "I have a question I need to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
The nun replies, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you have had a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
The cab driver hesitates for a moment and then says, "Well it's like this; I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me."
The nun replies, "Ok well, let's see what we can do about that, shall we. There are two conditions though - firstly you have to be single and secondly you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, yes! I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun then says, "Ok then, pull into the next alley."
The cab driver does so and the nun duly goes ahead and fulfills his fantasy. They get back on the road and start driving again, but the cab driver soon starts to cry.
The nun sees this and asks him, "My dear child, pray tell, why are you crying?"
The cab driver says, "You must forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied to you - I must confess that I'm married and I'm also Jewish."
The nun laughs and says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."
Vote:
Old librarians never die, they just lose their references.
An old man and his wife went to the doctor's office.
The doctor asked the man for a blood, urine and feces sample.
The man was slightly deaf and said, "What?"
The doctor said, "I need a blood, urine and feces sample."
The man still looked puzzled, so his wife leaned over and yelled into his ear, "Sheldon, the doctor needs a pair of your underwear."
Vote:
An FBI agent was interviewing a bank teller after the bank had been robbed 3 times by the same bandit:
"Did you notice anything special about the man?" asks the agent.
"Yes," replied the teller. "He was better dressed each time."
A man received a phone call one day, and the caller asked if he had lost a parrot.
He said that he had indeed lost the bird, but wanted to know how the caller located him.
The called said that the bird had landed on his balcony and kept repeating, "Hi, you have reached 555-1234. I can't come to the phone right now, please leave a message at the tone."
Scientists invented a machine to catch thieves.
In 30 minutes in Canada the machine caught 10 thieves, in 15 minutes in the U.S the machine caught 5 thieves, in 3 minutes in Trinidad thieves stole the machine.