Yo' Mama is so fat, the hippos at the zoo get jealous of her figure.
How do you kill 10,000 Mexicans? Throw a peso over a cliff. How do you kill 10,000 more? Tell them nobody got it.
Chuck Noris can make grapes from wine.
Big Foot discovered Chuck Norris and hid in the forest.
A lady who was speeding had an officer pulled her to the side of the road. She didn't have her seat belt on so as soon as she stopped, she quickly slipped it on before the officer got to her window. After talking to her about speeding, the officer said, "I see you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?" "Yes, I do, officer," she replied. "Well," asked the officer, "do you always do it up with it looped through your steering wheel?"
Chuck Norris had a staring contest with a picture. And Won.
Getting your ass kicked by Chuck Norris? The only good news is you know when you will die.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Two hikers are out hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them. They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first hiker gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on. The second hiker says, "What are you doing?" The first responds, "I figure when the bear gets close to us, we ll have to jump down and make a run for it." The second says, "Are you crazy? Don't you know you can't outrun a bear? The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the bear... I only have to outrun you!"
How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire? Both of them.