When Chuck Norris enters into a courtroom, the judge stands up.
Q: What's the last thing you usually hear before a redneck dies? A: Hey y'all... Watch this!
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine... I always get better with age. The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
An ugly, fat, bad woman with two kids enters Wal Mart, shouting angry at the kids with no reason. The man at the reception says cheerfully to her: "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Cute kids! Are they twins?" The horrible woman stopped shouting, just enough to say, "Hell, they’ re not twins… The older is 9 and the other is 7! Are you blind or just stupid?" "No madam... I’m neither blind nor stupid... I just can’t get that there’s a man out there who had sex with you twice."
Boy calls 911. Boy: Hello? I need your help! 911: Alright, What is it? Boy: Two girls are fighting over me! 911: So what's your emergency? Boy: The ugly one is winning.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
My teacher said, "If you think about anything long enough, it gets easier." I said, "I don't know about that Miss. Last night I was thinking about you for a bit and it just got harder."
Chuck Norris donates his beard clippings to the Army so they can make Kevlar vests.
Chuck Norris once replied to a 'no-reply' mail, and got the answer he wanted.
Q: When is the only time a guy can multi-task? A: When he's watching porn, masturbating, and keeping an eye on the door at the same time...