A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Bulgarian businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating. She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?" One of the Bulgarian men says, "Can't you see? Ve arrrre all verrry, verrry hoongry." The waitress makes a stroking motion and says, "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation??" One of the other businessmen replies: "The menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!"
Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris. After 5 days of extreme pain...the snake died.
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer, you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake, he should never have gotten down there, send him up here." Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"
The crusty old managing partner finally passed away, but his firm kept receiving calls asking to speak with him. "I'm sorry, he's dead," was the standard answer. Finally, the receptionist who fielded the calls began to realize it was always the same voice, so she asked who it was and why he kept calling. The reply: "I used to be one of his junior associates, and I just like to hear you say it."
A paralegal, an associate, and a partner of a prestigious law firm are walking through a city park and they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you one." "Me first!" says the paralegal. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with Tom Cruise." Poof! She's gone. "Me next!" says the associate. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other." Poof! He's gone. "You're next," the Genie says to the partner. The partner says: "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?" Soldier: "Sure, buddy." Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now, let's try it again!" Officer: "Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?" Soldier: "No, SIR!"
A very popular girl went to her doctor and found out that she was pregnant. The doctor says, “I know that you are not married! Do you know who the father of this baby is?” The girl thought and then asked, “Doc, if you ate a can of Baked Beans, would you know which bean made you fart?”
There once was this guy who was going on a date to the movies with a beautiful girl. Before he went, he made the mistake of eating a jumbo can of beans. Right after he picked her up, he felt the need to fart, but he figured he could wait until they got to the movies. When they got there, he asked her if she wanted some popcorn and Coke. She said sure, so he went to the restroom. The line was long, so he went back to the lobby, got the food, and went back into the theatre. When the movie was over, he goes to the bathroom again, still with a tremondously long line. So he figures he can wait until he drops her off. When they pull up into her driveway, she exclaims, "Oh goodie. My grandparents are here. Come on in and meet them." He agrees, although his A-hole is about to cry at this point. They go in and sit down at the table. Finally, he couldn't hold it in any longer a tried to let it seep out a little at a time. As he squeezed out a toxic blast, he aimed it towards the family's hound dog Duke, in hopes that they might blame the pooch for the horrendous fart. The girl's father stands up and hollers "Duke!" and sits back down. "Great!" he thought. "They really think it's the dog!" So, he starts bombarding the room with a couple, more powerful, louder stinkers. Once again, the girl's father stands up, shouts "Duke!" and sits back down. Finally, he lets it all go and the loudest most hair-curling fart you've ever heard or smelt rippled through the dining room. The girl's father stands up again. "Duke, get the hell out from under him before he shits on you!"
Employer: "We need someone responsible for the job." "Sir your search ends here! In my previous job whenever something went wrong,everybody said I was responsible."