Q: Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
A: Two mothers-in-law.
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The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work,
“I have great news for you.
Pretty soon, we’re going to be three in this house instead of two.”
Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.
He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, “I’m glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us.”
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A man is driving with his wife at his side and his mother-in-law in the backseat.
The women just won’t leave him alone.
His mother-in-law says, "You’re driving too fast!"
His wife says, "Stay more to the left."
After ten mixed orders, the man turns to his wife and asks, "Who’s driving this car – you or your mother?"
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A presser in a tailor shop arrived one morning wearing a good sized diamond ring.
One of the tailors noticed the sparkler and asked about it.
"My mother-in-law gave me a thousand dollars before she passed away. She said that when she dies, I should buy a beautiful stone. So I did!
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I live like a medieval knight.
Every night I go to sleep with a battleaxe at my side.
My mother in law was complaining about her dentures to me.
She told: "Whenever I get overweight it'll be a stench; when I make myself thin it would be stretched; when something squeezes in it then I 'll faint from enjoyment!"
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I find it interesting that if you rearrange the letters in the word "Mother-in-law" you get the words "Woman Hitler".
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Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, then when you see what the other person’s got, you wish you’d ordered that.
Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is."
"Of course I do," he irritatingly answered, going out the door to the office.
At 11 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a bouquet of red roses.
At 2 PM, a two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived.
Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.
The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.
"First the flowers, then the chocolates, and then the dress!" she exclaimed.
"I've never had a more wonderful ‘Independence day' in all my life!"
10 things men don't say
1)Let's watch Lifetime.
2)Sex is overrated.
3)I don't want to go too far on the first date.
4)Yes, your sister does have bigger breasts than you.
5)Don't we owe your mother a visit?
6)I'm relieved I don't have a large penis weighing me down.
7)Dessert goes right to my hips.
8)I hate when I miss Oprah.
9)Does this suit make me look fat?
10)I'll never get tired of listening to Dido.
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A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags and asks her where she's going.
"To Las Vegas. I found out there are men who will pay me $400 to do what I do to you for free."
The man started packing his bags.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"I'm going to Las Vegas with you. I want to see how you'll live on $800 a year."