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Five Important Qualities 1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job. 2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh. 3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you. 4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you. 5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
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More jokes about: men
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face. His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me." The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
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More jokes about: life, marriage, women
A man comes home to find his wife of 10 years packing her bags. "Where are you going?" demands the surprised husband. "To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $500 cash to do what I do for you for free!" The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing his bags. "What do you think you are doing?" she screamed. "I'm going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you're going to live on $1,000 a year!"
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More jokes about: marriage
The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first love-making encounter. In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc. Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state. Over the next few minutes she heard of the ravages of financial ruin caused by corporate down sizing and it's effects on a 50 year old executive. Calmly, she handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 12 years totaling nearly $1 million dollars. Pointing across the parking lot she gestured toward the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars and informing him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank. She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex, and this was the result of her investments. By now he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the car. She asked him why the disappointment at such good news and he replied, "If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my business!"
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More jokes about: marriage
A mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer : Ma'am, you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Officer : Can I see your license please? Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer : Don't have one? Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer : I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Older Woman: I can't do that. Officer : Why not? Older Woman: I stole this car. Officer : Stole it? Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer : You what? Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see. The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. Older woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer2: Is this your car, ma'am? Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned. Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer2 : Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
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More jokes about: age, cop, death, driving, women
We are already 2 years together with my girlfriend and decided to get married. My parents helped as much as they could and all my my friends said it’s a really good idea! My girlfriend? She is a dream! But there is something that bothers me! This something is her little sister… This is my future 20 years old sister-in-law , wearing a super skinny, mini skirts and short blouses. Always lean ahead and I was often lucky to see her underwear. She never did that in front of someone else! One day she calls me and asks me to go home to see the wedding invitations. When I arrived she was alone. She whispered that soon I get married and that she has feelings for me for long time and that she thinks she cann’t overcome them. She also said that she desperately wanted to have sex with me just once before I marry her sister. I was shocked and could not say a word… She said to me that she goes to bed and asked if I wanted to go up with her. I froze and looked at her going up the stairs. Going up, she took her panties off and threw it at me. I stayed there for a moment and then ran to the door. I opened it and I walked to the car. My future father-in-law was standing outside with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said: "I’m glad you passed this little test and I am sure that my daughter could not find a better man. Welcome to the family, my son!" Moral Lesson: Always keep your condoms in your car!
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More jokes about: car, family, marriage, men, relationship
At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto , they have weekly husband's marriage seminars. At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years. Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, "Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!" The priest responded, "Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?" Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."
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More jokes about: catholic, church, husband, marriage, wife
Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: "Change your course ten degrees east." The light signals back: "Change yours, ten degres west." Angry, the captain sends: "I'm a Navy captain! Change your course, sir!" "I'm a seaman, second class," comes the reply. "Change your course, sir." Now the captain is furious. "I'm a battleship! I'm not changing course!" There's one last reply. "I'm a lighthouse. Your call."
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More jokes about: management, navy, war
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, wine and dine her, buy gifts for her, listen to her, respect her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her. HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN Arrive naked... with beer.
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More jokes about: beer, love, men, romantic, women
Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years. One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own. A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen. His wife asks, "What's wrong, Bill?" "Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" His wife gasps, "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh, um, she got fired, too."
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More jokes about: doctor, god, marriage, wife, work