A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."
The nun agreed...
A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"
The nun replied, "He went that way."
After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria."
The nun said, "I understand completely."
The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don't want to go to Syria either."
A visitor, returning to Kuwait for the first time since the Gulf War, was impressed by a sociological change.
On previous visits she noted that women customarily walked about 5 paces behind their husbands.
She observed that the men now walked over 20 paces BEHIND their wives!
She approached one of the women for an explanation: "What enabled women here to achieve this marvellous reversal of roles?"
"Land mines," replied the Kuwaiti woman.
One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough."
The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No" said Little Johhny. "Then you're not old enough." his grandpa replied.
The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, "Can I have some of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" His grandpa replied, "It most certainly can!" Little Johnny replied, "Then go fuck yourself.
Vote:
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"
"None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."
Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
Vote:
Tired of constant blonde jokes, a blonde dyes her hair brown.
She then goes for a drive in the country and sees a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.
"Hey, shepherd, if I guess how many sheep are here, can I keep one?"
The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. She blurts out "352!"
He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick a sheep.
"I'll take this one," she says proudly. "It's the cutest!"
"Hey lady," says the shepherd, "if I guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?"
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Never mind what you think!
Eat your lunch and go back to school."
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mom says "No."
He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His Mom replies, "Ok, do tell me what you think?"
He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."
Vote:
A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door.
She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there.
He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?"
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Vagina?"
She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days.
The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just incase this guy shows up again."
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door.
The husband whisperes to the wife, "Honey, im going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the
question because I want to a see where he's going with this."
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, "Do you have a Vagina?"
"Yes I do." says the lady.
The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"
My skydiving instructor would always take the time to answer any of our stupid first-timer questions.
One guy asked, "If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?"
Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered, "The rest of your life."
Vote:
So, Donald Rumsfeld is briefing George Bush in the Oval Office.
"Oh and finally, sir, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today."
Bush goes pale, his jaw hanging open in stunned disbelief.
He buries his face in his hands, muttering "My God...My God".
"Mr. President," says Cheney, "we lose soldiers all the time, and it's terrible. But I've never seen you so upset. What's the matter?"
Bush looks up and says..."How many is a Brazilian?"