The sergeant-major growled at the young soldier, "I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning."
"Thank you very much, sir."
A sixteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that truck?!" He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money?" demanded his parents.
They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost.
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars."
So the parents began to yell even louder.
"Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. I don"t know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what"s going on."
So the boy"s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias!
He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. "I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he had run off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn"t intend to come back."
"He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money.
So I did."
A teacher said to her class, "Right, i'm going to hold something under the desk and i want you to guess it.
This one is round and red."
Little Johnny's hand shot up, but he was ignored.
"It's a plum miss," said a girl.
"no it's an apple, but i like your thinking.
The next one is oval shaped and green."
The teacher ignored Little Johnny again and a boy said, "It's a kiwi miss."
No, it's a guana, but i like your thinking."
Little Johnny said, " I got one miss, its stiff, about an inch long and with a red nib."
"Johny, thats disgusting!" shouted the teacher. " no it's a match, but i like your thinking."
Said Little Johnny.
Vote:
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship.
He sends a signal: "Change your course ten degrees east."
The light signals back: "Change yours, ten degres west."
Angry, the captain sends: "I'm a Navy captain! Change your course, sir!"
"I'm a seaman, second class," comes the reply. "Change your course, sir."
Now the captain is furious. "I'm a battleship! I'm not changing course!"
There's one last reply. "I'm a lighthouse. Your call."
Vote:
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
An elderly Canadian gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.
At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.
"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically.
The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.
"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."
The Canadian said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible, Canadians always have to show your passports on arrival in France!"
The Canadian senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look, then he quietly explained, "Well, when I came ashore at Juno Beach on D Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."
A newlywed couple moves into their new house.
One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"
The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"
A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"
He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?"
Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard.
The wife finds a leak in the roof.
She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"
He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?"
The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed.
So is the plumbing. So is the car.
He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls.
Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband.
"What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.