One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story.
The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.
Little Suzy raises her hand.
"My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market.
Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
Little Lucy went next.
"My dad owns a farm too.
Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator.
Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched.";
Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story.
Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."
Next up was little Johnny.
"My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory.
He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete.
On the way down, he drank the case of beer.
Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers.
He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets!
So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more.
Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
The teacher looked a little shocked.
After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.
"Well," Johnny replied, "Don't fuck with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."
Vote:
The phone rings at FBI headquarters.
“Hello? I’m calling to report my neighbor, Clifford.
He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!”
“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”
The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor’s house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They swear at the neighbors and leave.
The phone rings at the neighbors house.
Hey, Clifford, did the FBI come?”
“Yep.”
“Did they chop your firewood?”
“Yep.”
“Great, now it’s your turn to call.
I need my garden plowed.”
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years.
One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own.
A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen.
His wife asks, "What's wrong, Bill?"
"Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
His wife gasps, "My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, um, she got fired, too."
A Sergeant was addressing a squad of 25 and said: "I have a nice easy job for the laziest man here.
Put up your hand if you are the laziest."
24 men raised their hands, and the sergeant asked the other man "why didn't you raise your hand?"
The man replied: "Too much trouble raising the hand, Sarge."
There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey.
The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"
The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend."
The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey.
The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?"
The man says, "I found out that my son is gay."
The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey.
Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"
The man looks up and says, "Apprently my wife does."
One morning when I was going out of the house I met my neighbor's daughter who was pregnant.
When I returned home I saw her father closing the door.
I told him: "Your daughter hasn't married yet I wonder how it is possible a girl without any husband be pregnant?
For a moment her father with a bitter smile said: "She isn't pregnant; it is all wind in her belly. She farts and would recovery."
Next year perchance I saw the same girl with a baby in her arms.
Next day when I was going out facing her father so I told him: "I saw your daughter with her fart in her arms."
A newlywed couple moves into their new house.
One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"
The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"
A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"
He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?"
Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard.
The wife finds a leak in the roof.
She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"
He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?"
The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed.
So is the plumbing. So is the car.
He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls.
Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband.
"What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"
Wife: Do you want dinner?
Husband: Sure, what are my choices?
Wife: Yes and no.
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!"