Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years.
One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own.
A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen.
His wife asks, "What's wrong, Bill?"
"Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
His wife gasps, "My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, um, she got fired, too."
Question: Why are hurricanes sometimes named after women?
Answer: When they come they’re wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.
A man walks into a barber shop and says, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine."
The barber lathers his face and sharpens the straight edge while a woman with the biggest, most beautiful breasts he has ever seen kneels down and shines his shoes.
The man says, "You and I should spend some time in a hotel room."
She replies, "My husband wouldn't like that."
The man says, "Tell him you're working overtime, and I'll pay you the difference."
She says, "You tell him.
He's the one shaving you."
Police Officer: "How high are you?"
Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
A teacher said to her class, "Right, i'm going to hold something under the desk and i want you to guess it.
This one is round and red."
Little Johnny's hand shot up, but he was ignored.
"It's a plum miss," said a girl.
"no it's an apple, but i like your thinking.
The next one is oval shaped and green."
The teacher ignored Little Johnny again and a boy said, "It's a kiwi miss."
No, it's a guana, but i like your thinking."
Little Johnny said, " I got one miss, its stiff, about an inch long and with a red nib."
"Johny, thats disgusting!" shouted the teacher. " no it's a match, but i like your thinking."
Said Little Johnny.
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A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."
The nun agreed...
A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"
The nun replied, "He went that way."
After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria."
The nun said, "I understand completely."
The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don't want to go to Syria either."
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
Vote:
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."
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A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
Boss: *Shouting* "Little Johnny come to my office right now..."
Little Johnny: "Yes sir"!
Boss : "Little Johnny, I saw you arguing with the customer that just left. I have told you before that the customer is always right. Do you understand me?"
Little Johnny: "Yes sir!, the customer is always right".
Boss : "So what were you arguing about with that customer?"
Little Johnny: "He said my boss is stupid and an idiot sir"!
Boss: "That bustard. What did u say to him?"
Little Johnny: "I told him he's right
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