A little boy came home from school and his homework assignment was to find out what the difference was between hypothetically and realistically,so he asked his dad.
His dad said, "Well, go ask your mom if she would sleep with the mail man for $1,000,000."
He went and asked and came back and said, "She said yes".
"Well", said the dad, "Go ask your sister the same question."
He did and came back and said, "She said yes."
And the dad said, "Now go ask your brother the same thing."
He did and came back and said, "He said yes too!"
And the dad said, "Well hypothetically we're sitting on three million dollars, realistically we're living with 2 whores and a fag!"
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What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, you already told her twice.
Me: Can I call an officer a pussy?
Cop: No.
Me: Can I call a pussy 'officer?'
Cop: I guess you could...
Me: Goodnight, officer
An FM station has a competition where they ring someone up and ask them three personal questions.
Then they ring their spouse or partner and ask them the same three questions.
If the answers are the same, the couple wins a holiday to Bali. Last week the competition went like this:
Presenter: Hello, it's XXX-FM, do you want to play the game?
Brian: Yeah, sure.
Presenter: O.K., Question 1 — when was the last time you had sex?
Brian: Oh, mate. Well, about 8 o'clock this morning.
Presenter: And how long did it go for, Brian ?
Brian: Oh, about 10 minutes.
Presenter: 10 minutes?
Good one.
And where did you do it, mate?
Brian: Oh, mate, I can't say that.
Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here, Brian !
Brian: Okay, okay...on the kitchen table.
Presenter: (much laughter). Good one, Brian. Now, is it okay for us to call your wife?
Brian: Yeah, all right.
Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you?
Sharelle: Hi. Good, thanks.
Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got Brian on the other line, say hello.
Sharelle: Hi, Brian.
Brian: Hi, Sharelle.
Presenter: Now, Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali.
Brian: Just tell the truth, honey.
Sharelle: Okay.
Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex ?
Sharelle: Oh, no, I can't say that on the radio.
Brian: Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told them.
Sharelle: Okay. About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work.
Presenter: Good, nice start! Next question. How long did it go for Sharelle?
Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.
Co-Presenter: That's close enough...Brian was just being a gentleman.
Presenter: Okay, Sharelle — final question.
Where did you do it?
Sharelle: Oh, no I can't say that. My mum could be listening.
No way, no.
Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here.
Brian: Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway.
Just tell them.
Sharelle: Oh, all right. Up the arse!
Radio Silence — Advertising
Presenter: Sorry if anyone was offended before, we're going live here, and sometimes these things happen. We've given Brian and Sharelle the holiday. Now we'll take a music break.
Are your legs made of Nutella?
Because I'd love to spread them!
What has a hundred balls and f*cks old women?
Bingo!
Are you an elevator?
Cause I wanna go down on you.
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and the local football team?
A: The blonde has the higher sperm count.
Q: What do you call that useless piece of skin around a vagina?
A: A woman.
Vote:
Friend pisses me off so I poked holes in his condom the night before he uses it.
Three months later... my mom's pregnant.
Two friends who had not seen each other for awhile met at a bar.
"Hey, your wife just had a birthday recently, didn't she? Did you get her anything special?"
"Yeah, I got her a pair of slippers and a dildo."
"A pair of slippers and a dildo?"
"Yeah, I said 'If you don't like the slippers, you can go fuck yourself.' "