The best alcohol jokes

A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?" "No." A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg. "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" the man says indignantly. "That's not my dog."
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A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!". After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"
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A man goes into a pub and says, ‘I’d like something tall, icy and full of gin.’ The barman turns and shouts into the kitchen, ‘Oi, Doris! Someone to see you!’
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A woman is chatting with her friends when she points at a man in the street, ‘That’s my nextdoor neighbour. He’s an alcoholic!’ One of her friends asks, ‘How do you know that?’ The woman replies, ‘Yesterday he was at the bar drinking next to me all night.'
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I gave up alcohol last year. It was the longest 20 minutes of my life.
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I never drink unless I’m alone or with somebody.
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We call my father-in-law the exorcist. Every time he visits he rids the house of spirits.
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Whiskey is a great drink – it makes you see double and feel single.
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There was a man who had at least four to five drinks of whisky every day of his adult life. When he died, they cremated him, and it took two days to put out the fire!
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They say whisky and petrol don’t mix. They do, but it doesn’t taste nice.
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