One cure for a cold consists of three shots of whisky. There are better remedies, but most people don’t want to hear them.
A gent is sitting alone at the bar in Caesers Palace. A Jewish hooker comes over to him and asks him if he would like some company. "How much, honey?" "$800." "800???" "Are you crazy? Every other woman that came over wanted $400!" The Jewish hooker thought about it for a second and then replied, "Ok, I’ll do it for $400, but I want you to know I’m not making anything on it!"
Don't type "Chuck Norris" on Monster Milktruck, your milk will turn into beer.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
A man goes into a pub and says, ‘I’d like something tall, icy and full of gin.’ The barman turns and shouts into the kitchen, ‘Oi, Doris! Someone to see you!’
Good advice for cocktail parties: If you can’t say something nice about someone, just hold your drink and listen to others who can’t either.
There was a man who had at least four to five drinks of whisky every day of his adult life. When he died, they cremated him, and it took two days to put out the fire!
They say whisky and petrol don’t mix. They do, but it doesn’t taste nice.
I drink so much alcohol I’m afraid to smoke.
"What is a man's idea of a balanced diet?" "A Budweiser in each hand!"