The best alcohol jokes

He’s donating his body to science. And he’s preserving it in alcohol until they can use it.
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has 43.21 % from 12 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
My wife hates the sight of me when I’m drunk, and I hate the sight of her when I’m sober.
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has 43.21 % from 12 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
One cure for a cold consists of three shots of whisky. There are better remedies, but most people don’t want to hear them.
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has 43.21 % from 12 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
Why did Tom come home drunk and leave his clothes on the floor? He was in them.
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has 43.21 % from 12 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
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has 43.21 % from 12 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
Q: What did the bartender say after Charles Dickens ordered a martini? A: "Olive or twist?"
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has 42.61 % from 14 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bartender
A feminist walks into a bar that has a sign marked: ‘For Men Only.’ ‘I’m sorry, ma’am,’ says the bartender. ‘We only serve men in this place.’ ‘That’s OK,’ she says. ‘I’ll take two of them.’
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has 42.61 % from 14 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. “Why of course”, comes the reply. The first man then asks: “Where are you from?” “I’m from Scotland”, replies the second man. The first man responds: “You don’t say, I’m from Scotland too! Let’s have another round to Scotland.” “Of Course”, replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: “Where in Scotland are you from?” “Aberdeen”, comes the reply. “I can’t believe it”, says the first man. “I’m from Aberdeen too! Let’s have another drink to Aberdeen.” “Of course”, replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: “What school did you go to?” “Saint Andrews”, replies the second man. “I graduated in ’62.” “This is unbelievable!”, the first man says. “I went to Saint Andrews and graduated in ’62, too!” About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. “What’s been going on?”, he asks the bartender “Nothing much,” replies the bartender. “The MacClyde twins are drunk again.”, because there ain’t no way I can pass that test.”anisms.
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has 42.61 % from 14 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, drunk, school
Drinking a non-alcoholic beer is like muffing your sister, it tastes the same but something's not right about it.
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has 42.25 % from 16 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, beer
A woman is approaching a very small Bistro. She calls the barkeeper and when he is standing in front of her she asks him in a very seductive way to come nearer. Then she bends over the desk and starts to carress his beard. "Are you the boss of this Bistro?" she asks and touches tenderly his cheek. "Ehhh. No. Not at all!" the barkeeper replies. "Would you please call him here?" the lady asks and gently touches his hair. "Oh, I'm very sorry. But no. Impossible!" the barkeeper sighs who has - no doubt - fun with this situation. "Would you then please do me a great favour?" the lady asks and follows gently the line of his lips. "Of course. What ever you wish!" the barkeeper moans. "I want to leave a message for the boss!" she says and let first one - then two - fingers slip into his mouth which he gently sucks on. "What message?" the barkeeper asks with the two fingers in his mouth. "Please tell him that there is no paper, nor soap, nor towel on the lady's toilet!"
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has 42.25 % from 16 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
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