The best alcohol jokes

A guy, sitting outside his home about to be evicted from his house, was contemplating how the future would be after he had divorced his wife, lost his children and lost his job... He notices a crate of beer bottles and walks up to it. He takes out an empty bottle, smashing it into the concrete wall swearing, "You are the reason I don't have a wife", second bottle, "You are the reason I don't have my children", third bottle "You are the reason I lost my job". He notices the fourth bottle is sealed and still full of beer. He takes the bottle, puts it aside and says "Stand aside my dear friend; I know you were not involved".
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has 43.21 % from 12 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
There was this guy, let's call him bob. One night Bob went to about 5 bars, and he drank, like, 17 beers. After he was done with that, like any normally functioning person, he really had to go. So he asked the bartender where the bathroom was, and he went to where he thought it was. Later that night, Bob was laying in bed trying to go to sleep, and he was thought, "wait a minute.. there was a golden toilet!!" Right then he got up and went out to find the special toilet. He had hit 5 bars that night, so he went to the first one, asked where the bathroom was, when he went and looked, there was no golden toilet. This continued until he got to the last bar, he was really tired by then, and rather then going to look for the toilet himself, he asked the bartender, "do you by any chance have a golden toilet here?" and the bartender said to another person that was there, "hey! I think I found the guy who crapped in the tuba!!!"
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has 43.21 % from 12 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
A female police officer arrests a guy for drunk driving. While reading him his Miranda Rights, the female officer tells the man: "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say, can and will be held against you." "Boobs" the drunk replied.
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has 43.21 % from 12 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
A stewardess approaches a passenger on a flight. ‘Would you care for an orange juice, sir?’ The passenger replies, ‘Sure, if it needed me.’
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has 43.21 % from 12 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
He’s donating his body to science. And he’s preserving it in alcohol until they can use it.
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has 43.21 % from 12 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
My wife hates the sight of me when I’m drunk, and I hate the sight of her when I’m sober.
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has 43.21 % from 12 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
Why did Tom come home drunk and leave his clothes on the floor? He was in them.
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has 43.21 % from 12 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
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has 43.21 % from 12 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
Q: What did the bartender say after Charles Dickens ordered a martini? A: "Olive or twist?"
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has 42.61 % from 14 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bartender
Why did god make beer? So the Irish would not take over the world.
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has 42.61 % from 14 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
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