Joke #4452

We call my father-in-law the exorcist. Every time he visits he rids the house of spirits.

A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another recent study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year. That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon. Not bad.

A Native American walks into a bar with a cat, a bag of sh*t and a shotgun. He asks for a bottle of whiskey and immediately downs it. He throws the bag of sh*t up in the air, shoots it with his shotgun, and takes a big bite of the cat's ass. The bartender asks, "Buddy, what the hell are you doing?" The Native American responds, "I want to be like the white man: get drunk, shoot the sh*t and eat pussy."

Will was trying to to teach his son the evils of alcohol. He put a worm in a glass of water & another in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived while the one in the whiskey curled up & d*ed. "All right, son," Said Will, "what does that show you?" "Well dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol you will not have worms."

I like my women the same as I like my whiskey ... 20 years old and mixed up with coke !

Two friends were having a discussion about their relatives.... "I'll never amount to anything in life..", said the one friend. "In fact, my uncle is the town drunk.." "Well...that's not too bad.", replied the other, trying to console his friend. "Where does your uncle live..?" "New York City..."

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. He only brought enough money for one beer though. As hes drinking his beer, which was quite expensive, he realizes how bad he has to go to the bathroom. Not wanting anyone to drink his expensive beer, he takes out a 3x5 note card and writes on it, "I SPIT IN THIS BEER", and walks to the bathroom. When he comes back about 15 minutes later, theres another 3x5 note card next to his beer saying, "I SPIT IN IT TOO".

Tony ambled into a bar, and noticed a bucket behind the counter filled to the brim with cash. "Is there a contest on to win that dough?" Tony asked the bartender. "Yep," the barkeep responded, "It costs $50 to enter, and then you have to do three things: First you've got to knock out Spike, our 300-pound bouncer. Then we've got a pit bull out back with an abscessed tooth, and it's up to you to yank it out. Finally, the 90-year old lady who owns this place is upstairs. If you can give her a multiple-orgasm, all the money's yours." Tony was up for it. He paid the fee and approached the hulking doorman. With a single blow, Tony knocked Spike cold. Triumphant, Tony stormed into the bar's backyard. The patrons listened to the pit bull's ferocious bark for several minutes, which was followed by a series of hysterical yelps. Covered with nicks and scratches, Tony reentered the saloon and yelled: "Two down! Now where's that old broad with the abscessed tooth?"

I certainly do not drink all the time, I have to sleep you know.

I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.

A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch. The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap 3-year-old house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff. The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and reams the bartender. “This is the cheapest 3-year-old scotch you can buy. I’m not paying for it. Now, give me a good 12-year-old scotch.” The bartender, now feeling a bit of a challenge, pours him a scotch of much better quality, 6-year-old scotch. The man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar. “This is only 6-year-old scotch. I won’t pay for this, and I insist on a good, 12-year-old scotch. The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality, 12-year-old scotch. The man sips the drink and says, “Now that’s more like it.” An old drunk from the end of the bar, who has witnessed the entire episode, walks down to the finicky scotch drinker and sets a glass down in front of him and asks, “What do you think of this?” The scotch expert takes a sip, and in disgust, violently spits out the liquid yelling “THIS TASTES LIKE PISS.” To which the old drunk replies, “That’s right, now guess how old I am.”