The Australian rugby team is being driven through Dublin.
The driver shouts out, ‘And if you look to your left you’ll see we’re going past the biggest pub in the city.’
A voice from the back shouts, ‘Why?’
David Hasselhoff walks into a bar, and says to the barman, ‘I want you to call me David Hoff.’
‘Sure,’ says the barman.
‘No hassle.’
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he asks the bartender to prepare another double martini.
After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and asks the bartender to bring another double martini.
The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all Night long.
But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
The man replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife.
When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."
What do you get when you cross a bunny with an orange?
A pip squeak.
A plastic surgeon invented a radical new face lift procedure and was explaining
it to a prospective patient. He told her, “I’ll install a special screw in the top
of your skull. Your hair will cover it so it will be unnoticed. Whenever you need
a little tuck, we’ll just tighten the screw a little,… and the wrinkles will disappear!”
The woman was enthused and told the doctor to, “GO FOR IT!” The surgery
was a resounding success, and the woman went home happy.
A few months later, the woman returned in a great state of agitation.
She pointed to her face and said, “Just look at these bags under my eyes!
Where the hell did they come from?”
The surgeon looked at her closely and said,
“Those aren’t BAGS under your eyes.
Those are your breasts.
And if you keep messing around with that screw,… pretty soon you’ll have a goatee!”
During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day.
He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."
The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."
The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar.
The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.
"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.
The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"
"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.
"Like what?" asked the bartender.
"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.
The bartender thought about it.
"Okay," he said.
So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.
"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.
The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here.
I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.
"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.
"That's how I win so much money, bartender.
I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.
With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals.
After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar.
Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."
The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.
The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place.
He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.
The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"
The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"
A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."
The bartender says, "What do you have?"
The guy says, "75 cents."
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, FLOOR.
The manager of the liquor store gets a phone call at 8 pm.
"At what time do you open tomorrow?" asked the caller.
"At nine," he answered. The phone rings at midnight
"What time do you open ... in the morning?" "At nine".
The phone rings at 4 in the morning "Whatt tim do ya openn in the mornin?"
"I told you before at nine".
"Imm just inn aa hury cause i got locked in tha stor las nite."
A snail goes into a bar and orders a beer.
The barman says 'Sorry we don't serve snails' and throws him out.
A couple of weeks later the snail goes into the bar again and says... 'What did you do that for!'