A man walks into a a bar, drinks a couple of beers, and prepares to leave. The bartender tells him he owes $8. "But I already paid you. Don't you remember?" says the customer. "OK," says the bartender, "if you say you paid, then I suppose you did." The man goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid or not. The second man rushes in, orders a couple beers, and later pulls the same stunt. The barkeep replies, "OK, if you say you paid, then I suppose you did." The customer goes outside and tells a friend how to get free drinks. The third man hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs. The bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid, and both claimed they had. The next guy who tries that stunt is going to get punched in the -- " The man interrupts, "Don't bother me with your troubles, bartender. Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."
I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.
Whiskey is a great drink – it makes you see double and feel single.
Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.
Yo mama is so fat a bus hit her and she said a mosquito.
A single woman who retired just a few months back walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch in her neighborhood. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?" "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise." "That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?' "Twenty-six," he said.
A guy is sitting at the bar watching the game and enjoying his beer. Another guy strolls over and they begin to converse. After a while the second asks if he had ever played "beer football?" He said no, and asked how to play. "Well, if you chug a beer, you get 6 points, and if you bend over and fart, you get an extra point." So, the second guy starts off by chugging his beer and farting. The first man chugged his beer with ease, and when he bent over to fart, the second guy came up and kicked him in the butt and exclaimed, "BLOCK THE KICK!"
Why beer goes through your system so fast? Because it does not have to stop to change color.
A guy goes into a bar and says, "Quick, gimme a beer before the trouble starts!" The barman looks around the sleepy bar, shrugs and hands the guy a bottle of beer. The guy drinks it fast. "Quick! gimme another beer before the trouble starts!" The barman looks at the guy oddly but hands another beer to the guy. The guy drinks it fast. "Quick another beer before the trouble starts!" The barman hands him another beer, with a frown on his face, but hands it over reluctantly. Again, the guy drinks it fast. "Quick another beer before the trouble starts!" The barman replies, "Look pal, exactly what trouble are you talking about?" "I haven't got any money!"
So this grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "Hey! Your a grasshopper! We have a drink named after you!". The grasshopper says "Oh yeah? You have a drink named Leonard?!".