One cure for a cold consists of three shots of whisky. There are better remedies, but most people don’t want to hear them.
Don’t drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
I can tell when my wife drinks. Her face gets blurred.
Q: What did the bartender say after Charles Dickens ordered a martini? A: "Olive or twist?"
A gorilla walks into a pub, pulls up a stool, and orders beer. The bartender gives him a mug and says, "that'll be five bucks." As the gorilla reaches for his pocket, the bartender adds, "you know, we don't usually get many gorilla customers in here." The gorilla shrugged and replies, "at five bucks a beer, it's no wonder . . ."
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
Did you hear about the drunk who thought Alcoholics Anonymous meant drinking under an assumed name?
A Catholic Priest, a Rabbi, and an Atheist walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Oh Goddammit, no! We don't like jokes in here and if you guys are a part of one, you're gonna have to leave right now!" So the catholic priest, rabbi, and atheist leave the bar and a chicken walks in. The bartender says, "OH COME ON! We don't serve CHICKENS in here!" The chicken says, "Do you know somewhere that does?" The bartender says, "Yeah.." The chicken asks, "Well, where is it?" The bartender says, "It's across the road."
Q: Whats the difference between Amy Winehouse and Captain Morgan? A: Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke!
A single woman who retired just a few months back walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch in her neighborhood. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?" "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise." "That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?' "Twenty-six," he said.