The best alcohol jokes

A drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts.
Vote: has 34.87 % from 8 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: alcohol
Don’t drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
Vote: has 34.87 % from 8 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: alcohol
I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
Vote: has 34.87 % from 8 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: alcohol
Liquor may be a slow poison, but who’s in a hurry?
Vote: has 34.87 % from 8 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: alcohol
A man walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the guy started to leave. "Excuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what the guy had done. "What was that all about?" "Nothing", said the guy, "My wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."
Vote: has 34.78 % from 6 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: alcohol, bar, food, wife
A drunk staggered down the main street of the town. Somehow he managed to make it up the stairs to a cathedral and into the entrance, where he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way to a side aisle and into a confessional. A priest had observed all this, and figured the fellow needed some help, so he entered his side of the confessional. After the priest sat there in deathly silence, he finally asked, "May I help you, my son?" "I dunno," came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any paper on your side?"
Vote: has 34.78 % from 6 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: alcohol, priest
The Perfect Man At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends. "The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!" An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want,get a TV!"
Vote: has 34.78 % from 6 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: alcohol, bar, music, technology
A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery." The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?" "Just rub toilet paper between them." Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?" "I don't know, but it worked for your ass."
Vote: has 34.78 % from 6 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: alcohol, bar, husband
What does a drunk walrus have in common with a woman at a tupperware party? They're both out looking for a tight seal.
Vote: has 34.78 % from 6 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: alcohol
Three vampires went into a bar and sat down. The barmaid came over to take their orders. "And what would you, er, gentlemen like tonight?" The first vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood." The second vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood." The third vampire shook his head at his companions and said, "I will have a glass of plasma." The barmaid wrote down each order, went to the bar and called to the bartender, "Two bloods and a blood light."
Vote: has 34.78 % from 6 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: alcohol