The best alcohol jokes

A man walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the guy started to leave. "Excuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what the guy had done. "What was that all about?" "Nothing", said the guy, "My wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."
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has 34.87 % from 8 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, food, wife
A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. As he sits there, the jar of nuts on the bar tells him what a nice shirt he is wearing. Disturbed by this, he goes to the cigarette vending machine to buy a pack of smokes. As he approaches the machine, it starts screaming and shouting at him. He runs to the bar and explains this to the barman. The barman apologizes and says "The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order"!
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has 34.87 % from 8 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, bartender, beer
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall . The drunk mumbles, "ain’t no use knocking, there’s no paper on this side either!"
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has 34.87 % from 8 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
A guy was sitting in a bar, drinking away. Suddenly he says to the bartender, "I have to go home or the wife will be mad". (at this point he was loaded drunk) He climbed down from the bar stool, and fell flat on his face. The man then said "I can't walk and I didn't have that much to drink?". He gets up to give it another try, this time the same thing happens and he falls flat to his face. He says "I have to get home some way or the wife will kill me if I don't get home soon"! He gets an idea of crawling home, so away he went crawling home. He crawled up to his apartment and slowely snuck into bed with his wife trying not to wake her. The next morning he woke up to see his wife running in the room. She said "you were out drinking again last night weren't you!" The man replied with "NO WAY!" And the wife said "YOU LIAR! The bartender just called and said you left your wheelchair at the club again last night"!
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has 34.87 % from 8 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
A man orders a pint of beer, notices it tastes sour and complains to the barman. ‘What are you moaning about?’ says the barman. ‘You’ve only got a pint of that rubbish, I’ve got three barrels full.’
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has 34.87 % from 8 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
I gave up alcohol last year. It was the longest 20 minutes of my life.
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has 34.87 % from 8 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
I never drink unless I’m alone or with somebody.
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has 34.87 % from 8 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
We call my father-in-law the exorcist. Every time he visits he rids the house of spirits.
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has 34.87 % from 8 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
A man who goes into the pub optimistically often comes out misty optically.
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has 34.87 % from 8 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.
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has 34.87 % from 8 votes. More jokes about: alcohol
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