A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink.
After a few more he needs to go to the can.
He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!". After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking alcohol when all of a sudden, the passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl.
It's a po-lice roadblock!!
We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"
"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said.
"We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?" asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin,' OK?" said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each stuck a label on their forehead.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff asked, "You boys been drinkin'?"
"No, sir," said Earl.
"We's on the patch!"
I never drink unless I’m alone or with somebody.
One night Harry had been drinking so much he came home and was sick all over the cat.
He looked down at it and said, ‘I don’t remember eating that.’
How do you caculate the population of Russia?
You roll a bottle of vodka down the street.
Q:How do you find a man in a bar who is sensitive, caring and good looking?
A:He's nursing a Mike's Hard Lemonade and is acting super super gay!
So this grasshopper walks into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says "Hey!
Your a grasshopper!
We have a drink named after you!".
The grasshopper says "Oh yeah?
You have a drink named Leonard?!".
He drank like a fish.
Which would have been okay if he’d drunk what the fish drinks.
I gave up alcohol last year.
It was the longest 20 minutes of my life.
I can tell when my wife drinks.
Her face gets blurred.