A patient comes to a doctor, who asks him: - Do you smoke? - No. - Do you drink? - No. - Do you eat fast food? - No. - Don't worry, I'll find something anyways...
Chuck Norris lives in a Roundhouse... And his favorite drink is punch...
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, FLOOR.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
A stewardess approaches a passenger on a flight. ‘Would you care for an orange juice, sir?’ The passenger replies, ‘Sure, if it needed me.’
Did you hear about the drunk who thought Alcoholics Anonymous meant drinking under an assumed name?
The Australian rugby team is being driven through Dublin. The driver shouts out, ‘And if you look to your left you’ll see we’re going past the biggest pub in the city.’ A voice from the back shouts, ‘Why?’
A plastic surgeon invented a radical new face lift procedure and was explaining it to a prospective patient. He told her, “I’ll install a special screw in the top of your skull. Your hair will cover it so it will be unnoticed. Whenever you need a little tuck, we’ll just tighten the screw a little,… and the wrinkles will disappear!” The woman was enthused and told the doctor to, “GO FOR IT!” The surgery was a resounding success, and the woman went home happy. A few months later, the woman returned in a great state of agitation. She pointed to her face and said, “Just look at these bags under my eyes! Where the hell did they come from?” The surgeon looked at her closely and said, “Those aren’t BAGS under your eyes. Those are your breasts. And if you keep messing around with that screw,… pretty soon you’ll have a goatee!”
Q: Whats the difference between Amy Winehouse and Captain Morgan? A: Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke!
When Chuck Norris was a child, he would play with real logs instead of Lincoln logs.