A man orders a pint of beer, notices it tastes sour and complains to the barman. ‘What are you moaning about?’ says the barman. ‘You’ve only got a pint of that rubbish, I’ve got three barrels full.’
We call my father-in-law the exorcist. Every time he visits he rids the house of spirits.
What’s the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic? A drunk goes to work.
Good advice for cocktail parties: If you can’t say something nice about someone, just hold your drink and listen to others who can’t either.
Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.
I drink so much alcohol I’m afraid to smoke.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.
Q: What do you call a dangerous fish who drinks too much? A: A beer-a-cuda!
A Catholic Priest, a Rabbi, and an Atheist walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Oh Goddammit, no! We don't like jokes in here and if you guys are a part of one, you're gonna have to leave right now!" So the catholic priest, rabbi, and atheist leave the bar and a chicken walks in. The bartender says, "OH COME ON! We don't serve CHICKENS in here!" The chicken says, "Do you know somewhere that does?" The bartender says, "Yeah.." The chicken asks, "Well, where is it?" The bartender says, "It's across the road."
A single woman who retired just a few months back walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch in her neighborhood. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?" "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise." "That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?' "Twenty-six," he said.