The best alcohol jokes

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
Vote: has 39.47 % from 11 votes. Send joke:

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David Hasselhoff walks into a bar, and says to the barman, ‘I want you to call me David Hoff.’ ‘Sure,’ says the barman. ‘No hassle.’
Vote: has 39.47 % from 11 votes. Send joke:

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Q: What's all over a clean nose? A: Fingerprints.
Vote: has 39.47 % from 11 votes. Send joke:

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A ham sandwich walked into a bar and the bartender said: "We don't sell to ham sandwiches." But the sandwich replied: "That's okay, I only want a beer."
Vote: has 39.32 % from 13 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: alcohol, bartender, beer, food
Q: Whats the difference between Amy Winehouse and Captain Morgan? A: Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke!
Vote: has 36.78 % from 43 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: alcohol, celebrity, dirty, drug, music
A single woman who retired just a few months back walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch in her neighborhood. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?" "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise." "That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?' "Twenty-six," he said.
Vote: has 36.51 % from 16 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: age, alcohol, life, old people, women
1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away. 2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot. 3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you 4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish. 5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him. 6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead. 7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.
Vote: has 36.09 % from 14 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: alcohol, stupid
A man is in a bar and has one too many drinks. This beautiful lady sits down next to him. He turns to her and says "Hey how bout it. You and me, gettin it on. I've got a couple dollars and it looks like you could use a little money." She stands up and says, "What makes you think I charge by the inch."
Vote: has 36.09 % from 14 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: alcohol, bar, beauty, money, women
A Catholic Priest, a Rabbi, and an Atheist walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Oh Goddammit, no! We don't like jokes in here and if you guys are a part of one, you're gonna have to leave right now!" So the catholic priest, rabbi, and atheist leave the bar and a chicken walks in. The bartender says, "OH COME ON! We don't serve CHICKENS in here!" The chicken says, "Do you know somewhere that does?" The bartender says, "Yeah.." The chicken asks, "Well, where is it?" The bartender says, "It's across the road."
Vote: has 35.87 % from 44 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: alcohol, atheist, bar, catholic, priest
Q: What did the bartender say after Charles Dickens ordered a martini? A: "Olive or twist?"
Vote: has 35.66 % from 12 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: alcohol, bartender