What do you give a deer with an upset stomach?
Elkaseltzer.
Q: What is it called when a soldier slips into a fox hole?
A: Bestiality
A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that he has $100 he's willing to bet anyone who says he can't.
The bartender quickly takes the bet and the owner looks at the dog and asks, "What's the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside?"
The dog answers "ROOF."
The bartender says, "Who are you kidding? I'm not paying."
The dogs owner says, "How about double or nothing and I'll ask him something else".
The bartender agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks, "Who was the greatest ballplayer of all time".
The dog answers with a muffled "RUTH." With that the bartender picks them both up and throws them out the door.
As they bounce on the sidewalk the dog looks at his owner and says "DiMaggio?".
Chuck Norris once had a pet monkey...his name was KING KONG
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There is a lady laying in bed.
At about midnight her husband comes walking in with a sheep under his arm and says ”That’s the fat pig I’ve been sleeping with when I’m not sleeping with you.”
His wife gets a confused look on her face and states ”but honey that’s not a pig its a sheep.”
Her husband says ”Shut up pig I’m talking to the sheep!”
What happened to the tiger who took a bath three times a day?
After a week he was spotless.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side…
What happens when you kiss a canary?
You get chirpes, it can't be tweeted because its a canarial disease.
Labradoodles were made when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked a Labrador and a Poodle at the same time.
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Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday the thirteenth.
The next day he won the lottery.
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