How do snails get their shells all shiny?
They use snail polish.
One simply cannot play fair and win in a zoo - there are way too many cheetahs.
Three mice in a pub having a bevy discussing who's the hardest.
1st mouse says I'm the hardest I go up to mousetraps rip the cheese out and as the bar comes down i bench press it 30 times and throw it across the room!
2nd mouse says : you poof! I get rat poison' crush it into powder and snort it.
3rd mouse finishes his drink, gets up and walks to the door, where are you going? asked the other 2.
Home he replied to shag the cat!
What do you get if you cross a woodpecker with a carrier pigeon?
A bird who knocks before delivering its message !
Q. Why are fish so smart?
Q. Why are fish so smart
A. Because they swim in schools!
Chuck Norris is the most feared predator on the planet.
That's why sharks have a Chuck Norris week.
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What do you call a chocolate Easter bunny that was out in the sun too long?
A runny bunny.
A deer hunter who was an atheist was out in the woods when suddenly a 1,000-pound deer stepped out.
"Good God!" exclaimed the hunter.
Suddenly, a voice from Heaven said, "I thought you don't believe in me."
The hunter replied, "Up until now I didn't believe in 1,000-pound deer either."
A Football team was on the field during practice, when to their surprise, a big turkey suddenly walked up to the coach and demanded a tryout. "Are you crazy," hollered the coach, "we don’t give tryouts to turkeys."
Before he knew it the turkey started dashing towards the football and made a fantastic catch.
"That was amazing," exclaimed the coach.
"I have never seen anything like that! How much do you want for a year?"
"Don’t worry about money," said the turkey, "let me just ask you something, does the season go past thanksgiving?"
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Chuck Norris is the reason why This Little Piggy cried wee wee wee all the way home.
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