One day, a priest was walking through a forest, when he came upon a pond.
On the pond was a lily-pad, and on the lily-pad was the saddest frog the priest had ever seen!
"Dear frog" the priest asked, "what is the matter? Why re you so sad?"
"Well," said the frog, "I was not always a frog."
"Tell me more" said the priest.
"One day, I was waslking through these woods when I came upon a wicked witch. 'Stand aside witch' I said to her. But alas, she called me a nasty cheeky boy and turned me into a frog."
"But that's terrible! Isn't there anything that can be done to reverse the spell?" asked the priest.
"Well" said the frog, "if a kind person were to take me home for the night, feed me and put me to sleep on their pillow, I am sure I would wake up human again."
"Well, this is your lucky day!" said the priest.
So he took the frog home, fed him and put him to sleep on his pillow. And lo and behold, when he woke up the next morning, there was a 10 year old choir boy in his bead!
"And that Your Honour, is the case for the Defence!"
A man is out walking in New York when he sees a girl being savaged by a fierce dog.
He fights off the dog by beating about the head with a stick and saves the girl's life.
The girl's mother rushes over to him: "Thank you, thank you, you are a hero, tomorrow all the newspapers will have headlines about Brave New Yorker Saves the Life of Young Girl"
"But I'm not a New Yorker," the man says.
"Oh, then it will say in all the newspapers Brave American Saves Life of Young Girl," says the mother.
"But I'm not an American," the man says.
"What are you then?" asks the mother.
"I'm an Iranian," the man says.
The next day he sees the newspaper headlines:
Islamic Extr*mist kills American Dog.
One day a magical frog sees a bear chasing after a rabbit for dinner.
In an attempt to bring peace to his magical forest, the frog hops up to the two and promises them 3 wishes each if they stop this violence. After both animals agreed, the frog chooses the bear to state his first wish, first.
After thinking for a while, the bear says, "I wish for all the bears in this forest to be female except me."
Next is the rabbit's turn, "I wish for a motorcycle helmet," he says.
The bear laughed, what an idiotic wish to make he thought to himself.
The bear then says, "I wish for all the bears in this country to be female except me."
The rabbit next says, "I wish for a motorcycle that requires no gas."
The bear, almost tearing from laughter, says, "You could have wished for money to get those two things!"
He then proceeds to make his final wish, after thinking for a while, he says to the frog, "I wish for all the bears in the world to be female except for me!"
He smiles smugly.
The rabit then puts on his helmet, hops on his motorcycle, grins to the bear and says, "I wish for this bear to be gay."
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.
The first orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer, and so on.
After the seventh order, the bartender pours two beers and says, "You fellas ought to know your limits."
A man sat at a local bar and said, "This is a special day, I'm celebrating."
"What a coincidence," said the woman next to him.
I'm celebrating, too" she replied, clinking glasses with him.
"What are your celebrating?"
"I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."
"What a coincidence, the woman said.
For my husband and I have been trying to have a child.
Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant! How did your chickens become fertile?" she asked.
"I switched cocks," he replied.
"What a coincidence," she said.
A man who is concerned about his wife cheating on him wants to catch her in the act.
He doesn’t have enough money to hire a PI, so he goes to a pet shop.
There he asks the clerk if he has a parrot for sale.
The clerk shows him the last parrot he has: “This is the last parrot I have for sale. He doesn’t have any legs, but he is very smart.”
The man asks, “If he doesn’t have any legs, how does he stay on the perch?”
“He holds on with his dick.” the clerk answered.
The man asks ” How much?”
“Since he doesn’t have any legs, I’ll sell him to you for fifty bucks.”
The suspicious man purchases the talking bird and takes him home.
He sets up the cage in his bedroom where he can see everything; he then instructs the parrot to watch what ever goes on in the room and inform him when he gets home from work.
So the next morning he leaves for work and his wife stays home, as usual.
When the man gets home from work, as his wife is cooking supper, he asks the parrot to tell him what went on during the day.
The parrot begins, “At eight o’clock this morning the mailman came….”
Interrupting the man asks, “Yeah and what happened?”
“he came in the house…”
Furiously, the man asked “And then”
“…and then he came into the bedroom…”
Astounded the man impatiently asks, “What happened next?”
“He began to take off his clothes and she hers…” “What happened after that!”
The parrot then replied, “I don’t know I sprung a boner and fell off!”
Q: Why was the farmer arrested at the gym?
A: He was destroying his calves.
A psychiatrist had no patients in his office and he was bored. Suddenly , the door opened slowly and a man crept into the room on four legs. His mouth was full with pieces of colored plastic. He was holding strange objects in his hands. He was dragging cables along behind himself. The doctor was glad because of the visit and exclaimed, "And what do we have here, a little snake? Come to Uncle Doctor, my snake..."
The man shook his head.
"Oh, sorry, I didn't notice your legs. You're a dragon, right?"
The man shook his head again angrily.
"Sorry... a worm?"
The visitor spitted out the plastic pieces.
"Go to hell, you idiot! I'm the system administrator and I came to change your LAN cable!"
A man was relaxing with his evening paper, when there was a knock on the door.
He opened it, and saw nobody, so he closed the door and went back to his paper.
There was another knock, so he opened the door again.
This time, he looked down and saw a small snail.
"Mister, could you spare some change?" the snail said.
The man picked up the snail, threw him into the bushes, and went back to reading.
A year later, there was another knock at the door. It was the snail.
"What'd you do that for?"
A woman saw an ad in the local newspaper which read: "Purebred Police Dog $25."
Thinking that to be a great bargain, she called and ordered the dog to be delivered.
The next day a van arrived at her home and delivered the mangiest-looking mongrel she had ever seen.
In a rage, she telephoned the man who had placed the ad, "How dare you call that mangy-mutt a purebred police dog?"
"Don't let his looks deceive you, ma'am," the man replied, "He's in the Secret Service."