The best animal jokes

One day a magical frog sees a bear chasing after a rabbit for dinner. In an attempt to bring peace to his magical forest, the frog hops up to the two and promises them 3 wishes each if they stop this violence. After both animals agreed, the frog chooses the bear to state his first wish, first. After thinking for a while, the bear says, "I wish for all the bears in this forest to be female except me." Next is the rabbit's turn, "I wish for a motorcycle helmet," he says. The bear laughed, what an idiotic wish to make he thought to himself. The bear then says, "I wish for all the bears in this country to be female except me." The rabbit next says, "I wish for a motorcycle that requires no gas." The bear, almost tearing from laughter, says, "You could have wished for money to get those two things!" He then proceeds to make his final wish, after thinking for a while, he says to the frog, "I wish for all the bears in the world to be female except for me!" He smiles smugly. The rabit then puts on his helmet, hops on his motorcycle, grins to the bear and says, "I wish for this bear to be gay."
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has 71.61 % from 100 votes. More jokes about: animal, gay, money
One day, a priest was walking through a forest, when he came upon a pond. On the pond was a lily-pad, and on the lily-pad was the saddest frog the priest had ever seen! "Dear frog" the priest asked, "what is the matter? Why re you so sad?" "Well," said the frog, "I was not always a frog." "Tell me more" said the priest. "One day, I was waslking through these woods when I came upon a wicked witch. 'Stand aside witch' I said to her. But alas, she called me a nasty cheeky boy and turned me into a frog." "But that's terrible! Isn't there anything that can be done to reverse the spell?" asked the priest. "Well" said the frog, "if a kind person were to take me home for the night, feed me and put me to sleep on their pillow, I am sure I would wake up human again." "Well, this is your lucky day!" said the priest. So he took the frog home, fed him and put him to sleep on his pillow. And lo and behold, when he woke up the next morning, there was a 10 year old choir boy in his bead! "And that Your Honour, is the case for the Defence!"
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has 71.53 % from 50 votes. More jokes about: age, animal, lawyer, priest
A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich. When he receives the sandwich he eats it and then shoots the waiter and leaves the restaurant. A policeman sees the panda and tells him he just broke the law. The panda bear tells the policeman that he's innocent and, if he didn't believe him, to look in the dictionary. The policeman gets a dictionary and looks up "panda bear." It says, "Panda Bear: eats shoots and leaves."
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has 71.52 % from 23 votes. More jokes about: animal, cop, food, lawyer
The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a donkey walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the donkey's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" "Not really," said the donkey. "Your name is written inside the cover."
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has 71.35 % from 41 votes. More jokes about: animal, bible, cowboy, time
A Mom goes to the store shopping. She tells to the children, "Your father will return very drunk. Undress him down to the waist and put him to sleep." "Why to the waist", the children interested. "Because your father has a large snake below and it can bite you." The mother returned and her children met her at the door, "Mom! Mom! Dad came home! We undress him all and put him to sleep." "Are you undressed him the entire", mother worried? "What happened with the snake?" "Don't worry, Mom!" proudly answered the children. "The snake was strangled with dad's belt, her eggs were trampled and the nest was burnt."
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has 71.35 % from 41 votes. More jokes about: animal, drunk, life
Little Johnny's class is reviewing the alphabet. His teacher knows that he has an "advanced" vocabulary for his age, so she avoids calling on him. When the teacher asks for a word beginning with "A," Little Johnny raises his hand. The teacher anticipates he'll say, "ass" so she calls on Mary Lou, who says "apple." This continues because the teacher knows that Little Johnny knows a cuss word for every letter of the alphabet. Then she gets to "R." She can't think of any cuss words that begin with R, so she calls on Johnny. He exclaims, "R is for rats big f**king rats, with 12-inch c**ks!"
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has 71.34 % from 216 votes. More jokes about: age, animal, little Johnny, teacher
After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket. He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license. The fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Everyday I come done to the water and whistle and these lobster jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day." The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license. The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the lobsters back into the water. The warden says, "Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water." The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "What lobsters?"
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has 71.33 % from 103 votes. More jokes about: animal, cop, dirty, fish
A man had a party where all the rich people attend. And the he had a pool with alligators. So he announced that anyone who will swim across this pool and come out alive will be granted three wishes. But no one wanted to go for the challenge. All of a sudden, there was a big splash and a man was swimming like a hell and came out alive. So the host asked, "What are your three wishes?" The man replied, "Give me the shotgun and bulllets and show me the idiot that pushed me in..."
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has 71.29 % from 58 votes. More jokes about: animal, men, party
Where do milk shakes come from? Nervous cows.
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has 71.25 % from 32 votes. More jokes about: animal, food
The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions. "Ever have an accident?" "Nope, nary a one." "None? You've never had any accidents." "Nope. Ain't had one. Never." "Well, you said in this form you were bitten by a snake once. Wouldn't you consider that an accident?" "Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose."
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has 71.15 % from 45 votes. More jokes about: animal, cowboy, life, stupid
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