The best animal jokes

What did the magician say when he made his rabbit disappear? Hare today, gone tomorrow.
Vote:
has 71.85 % from 13 votes. More jokes about: animal
A honeymooning couple had purchased a talking parrot and taken it to their room, where much to the groom's annoyance, the bird kept up a running commentary on their love making. Finally the groom threw a large towel over the cage and threatened to give the parrot to the zoo if he didn't quit it. The next morning, packing to return home, the couple couldn't close a large suitcase. The groom said, "Darling, you get on top and I'll try." That didn't work. Figuring they needed more weight on the lid, she said, "Sweetheart, you get on top and I'll try." Still no success. So, he said, "Look. Let's both get on top." At that point the parrot pulled away the towel with his beak and said: "Zoo or no zoo. I just gotta see this."
Vote:
has 71.72 % from 46 votes. More jokes about: animal, parrot
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer, and so on. After the seventh order, the bartender pours two beers and says, "You fellas ought to know your limits."
Vote:
has 71.70 % from 84 votes. More jokes about: animal, bar, food, math
What kind of bees make milk instead of honey? Boobies.
Vote:
has 71.64 % from 152 votes. More jokes about: animal, food, women
Q: Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? A: To get chocolate milk.
Vote:
has 71.63 % from 37 votes. More jokes about: animal, blonde, chocolate, stupid
A guy walks into a bar with a four-foot crocodile on a leash, following him like a dog. The barman says gruffly: "No pets allowed here!" The guy says, "But this is a trained crocodile. See what it can do!" He sets the crocodile on a table and hits it on both ears. The crocodile opens its jaws wide. The guy unzips his pants, puts his pecker into the crocodile's jaws and hits the crocodile on the ears again. The crocodile closes its jaws leaving just one-inch space, not touching the man's pecker. Everybody in the bar is very impressed. To build upon it, the guy declares: "I give a hundred dollars to anyone who does it!" But everybody is afraid to - understandably, each would rather have an undamaged pecker than a hundred dollars. Finally, a man wearing a pink suit, with an earring in one ear, says in an effeminate voice: "I think I can do it!" Everybody admires him, "What a brave man you are!" The man continues, to the guy: "Just don't hit me so hard on the ears!"
Vote:
has 71.52 % from 23 votes. More jokes about: animal, bar, dirty, money, sex
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked: "What are you up to there, Nancy?" "My goldfish died", replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned: "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied: "That's because he's inside your fucking cat."
Vote:
has 71.39 % from 174 votes. More jokes about: animal, cat, death, fish, little Johnny
Q: Why does the easter bunny hide his eggs? A: He doesn't want anyone to know he's f**king chickens.
Vote:
has 71.37 % from 127 votes. More jokes about: animal, dirty, easter, sex
Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet. "Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail." The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?" "Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."
Vote:
has 71.35 % from 41 votes. More jokes about: animal, doctor, mother in law
How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh? Ten-tickles.
Vote:
has 71.35 % from 41 votes. More jokes about: animal, nerd
<<<22232425
More jokes →
Page 22 of 152.