The best animal jokes

Someone figured out my password. Now I have to rename my dog.
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has 70.31 % from 519 votes. More jokes about: animal, Facebook, technology
This guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the mutt replies. "So, what's your story?" The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, "Ten dollars." The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?" The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."
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has 70.18 % from 35 votes. More jokes about: airplane, animal, dog, money, work
Chuck Norris was mauled by a bear once, then the bear woke up and apologized.
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has 70.17 % from 114 votes. More jokes about: animal, Chuck Norris
A panda walks into a bar, sits down and order a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for Panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
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has 70.02 % from 39 votes. More jokes about: animal
Why did President Clinton name his dog Buddy instead of Spot? Because he didn't want people running around the White House saying, "come Spot, come Spot!"
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has 70.02 % from 39 votes. More jokes about: animal, disgusting, dog, political
What happened to the lost cattle? Nobody's herd.
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has 70.02 % from 39 votes. More jokes about: animal
Save the tree, eat a beaver.
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has 70.01 % from 17 votes. More jokes about: animal
What did the rabbit bride get on her wedding day? A forty-carrot wedding ring.
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has 70.01 % from 17 votes. More jokes about: animal, money, wedding
Are shellfish warm? No they re clammy.
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has 70.01 % from 17 votes. More jokes about: animal
If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in bed with a mosquito.
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has 70.01 % from 17 votes. More jokes about: animal, work
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