How do you stop a baby crawling round in circles ? Nail its other hand to the floor.
Which is the only day you you are safe in a cannibal village? Sitter days (when they eat the baby-sitter instead)!
When a woman found out that she was pregnant, she lit up the phone lines telling everyone the good news. One day later that week, she took her 4 year old son, Sam, out shopping. A woman asked the boy if he was excited about the baby. "Yes", he said. "I know what we're going to name it. If it is a girl, we're calling her Molly and if it is a boy, we're going to call it quits.
What's red and lies in all four corners of the room? A baby that's been playing with a chainsaw.
Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
Q: What's worse then finding 10 zombie babies in a garbage can? A: Finding one zombie baby in 10 garbage cans.
Why are test tube babies the most beautiful ones? Because they're hand made.
When Chuck Norris had a baby he was horny for the nurse and had a 70-inch long.
Three women were sitting in a bar, (burnette, redhead, and a blonde) they were all pregnant. The burnette says, "I know what I'm going to have." The other to asked how. She replied, "Well I was on top when I concieved so I will have a baby boy". The red head said, "If your logic is correct then I will have a baby girl because I was on the bottom when I concieved. The blonde starts crying and orders another shot and starts screaming, "PUPPIES, PUPPIES!".
Girlfriend pregnant error... Abort, Marry, Ignore?