The best baby jokes

Nurse: "If youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half." Me: [visibly confused] Wife: "The grapes, not the baby."
Vote: has 82.28 % from 39 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: baby, kids, wife
Dustin and Jane (both blonde) were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby had come to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation. On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses. After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?” The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”
Vote: has 81.87 % from 81 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: baby, blonde, college, couple
Little Johnny asks, "Mommy, where do babies come from?" His mother replies, "The stork brings them." Little Johnny, puzzled, asks, "Then who fucks the stork?"
Vote: has 81.80 % from 290 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: baby, little Johnny, sex
What is the difference between pressure, anxiety and panic attacks? You have pressure when your wife is pregnant. You are anxious when your girlfriend is pregnant. You have panic attacks when both of them are pregnant!
Vote: has 80.33 % from 68 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: baby, life, wife
A frightened investor goes to his financial planner and asks if he’s at all worried about the volatility of the markets these days. The planner replies that he sure does! In fact, he says that he sleeps like a baby. The frightened investor was amazed! "Really? Even with all the fluctuations?" "Yup! I sleep for a couple of hours, and then I wake up and I cry for a couple of hours."
Vote: has 79.91 % from 34 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: baby, money, time
What did the Asian parents name their retarded baby. Sum ting wong.
Vote: has 79.83 % from 611 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: baby, racist
A 64-year-old lady never had any kids, so she went to her doctor and asked if he would help her with in-vitro fertilization. He said, "You're a little old, but I guess we could give it a try." A few months later she got pregnant. She invited her girlfriends over to see the baby, and they all very anxious to see the baby boy. The newly mother said, "why don't we just talk awhile." As time went on, her friends asked again and again where is the baby... She said, "We never get a chance to talk, and here is our chance to catch up!" Finally they insisted on seeing him. She said, "Well, we'll just have to wait until he cries before you all can see him." The women were puzzled. And she said, "I don't remember where I put him."
Vote: has 79.57 % from 19 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: age, baby, doctor, memory, time
Stonehenge was made by Chuck Norris stacking blocks as a baby.
Vote: has 79.54 % from 40 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: baby, Chuck Norris
Do you know why babys cry when they are born? Because they know they are entering the world with chuck Norris in it.
Vote: has 79.53 % from 95 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: baby, Chuck Norris
When Chuck Norris was a baby he didnt have teddy bears. He had real bears.
Vote: has 79.35 % from 173 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal, baby, Chuck Norris