The best baby jokes

A frightened investor goes to his financial planner and asks if he’s at all worried about the volatility of the markets these days. The planner replies that he sure does! In fact, he says that he sleeps like a baby. The frightened investor was amazed! "Really? Even with all the fluctuations?" "Yup! I sleep for a couple of hours, and then I wake up and I cry for a couple of hours."
Vote: has 82.69 % from 40 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: baby, money, time
Three babies in the womb discuss what they would like to be when they grow up. The first one says, "I wanna be a plumber, so I can fix the pipes in here." The second one says, "I wanna be an electrician, so I can get some lights in here." The third one says, "I wanna be a boxer." The others look confused and ask, "Why do you want to be a boxer?" He proudly replies, "So I can beat the hell out of that rude bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us."
Vote: has 82.66 % from 279 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: baby, dirty, sport
Mr. Wilson comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck. "I have great news. I’m a month overdue. I think we’re going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can’t tell anybody.” The next day, Mrs. Wilson receives a telephone call from AEC (Atlanta Electric Company) because the electricity bill has not been paid. “Am I speaking to Mrs. Wilson?” “Yes. Speaking.” AEC guy, “You’re a month overdue, you know!” “How do YOU know?” stammers the young woman. “Well, ma’am, it’s in our files!” says the AEC guy. “What are you saying? It’s in your files. HOW?” “Yes. We have a system of finding out who’s overdue.” “GOD! This is too much.” “Madam, I am sorry. I am following orders. I have to inform you are overdue.” “I know that. Let me talk to my husband about this tonight. He will speak to your company tomorrow.” That night, she tells her husband about the call, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to AEC office the next day morning. “What’s going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?” the husband shouts. “Just calm down,” says the lady at the reception at AEC, “It’s nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us.” “PAY you? And if I refuse?” “Well, in that case, sir, we’d have no option but to cut yours off.” “And what would my wife do then?” the husband asks. “I don’t know. I guess she’d have to use a candle.
Vote: has 82.58 % from 316 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: baby, dirty, doctor, phone, wife
Dustin and Jane (both blonde) were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby had come to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation. On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses. After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?” The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”
Vote: has 82.20 % from 110 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: baby, blonde, college, couple
Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.
Vote: has 81.88 % from 160 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: baby, dirty, life, sex, work
What is the difference between pressure, anxiety and panic attacks? You have pressure when your wife is pregnant. You are anxious when your girlfriend is pregnant. You have panic attacks when both of them are pregnant!
Vote: has 80.98 % from 77 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: baby, life, wife
On a cold day of January, I went to visit one of my friends in his house; it was snowing and my friend urged me to stay the night with him. They had only 2 rooms one for themselves and other for their baby; so I suggested to rest in baby' room. In middle of the night, I need WC which was in the garden and was so difficult for me to go there. I thought some moments then decided to change my place with the baby. I did so. And pissed in the place of baby; when I returned to change again I saw that the baby had shitted in my bed!
Vote: has 79.87 % from 278 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: baby, disgusting, friendship, winter
When Chuck Norris was a baby he didnt have teddy bears. He had real bears.
Vote: has 78.83 % from 264 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: animal, baby, Chuck Norris
Why can't Chinese couples have Caucasian babies? Because two Wongs don't make a white!
Vote: has 78.70 % from 350 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: baby, racist
Do you know why babys cry when they are born? Because they know they are entering the world with chuck Norris in it.
Vote: has 78.69 % from 146 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: baby, Chuck Norris


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