The best baby jokes

Nurse: "If youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half." Me: [visibly confused] Wife: "The grapes, not the baby."
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has 74.17 % from 65 votes. More jokes about: baby, kids, wife
A kid asks his mom "why his sisters' middle name is Paris?" "Because that's where we conceived her." "Next, I was going to ask why my middle name is Chevy but now I know why."
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has 74.14 % from 36 votes. More jokes about: baby, birthday, family, geography, sex
After the baby was baptized, her four-year-old brother was crying inconsolably in the back seat of the car. "What’s the matter Johnny?" asked his concerned mother. Johnny replied: "That man said that he hoped our baby would be raised in a good Christian home… I just want her to stay with you guys."
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has 73.46 % from 146 votes. More jokes about: baby, car, christian, little Johnny
A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The mother, more that a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
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has 73.45 % from 103 votes. More jokes about: baby, kids, school
Your mamas so skinny she swallowed a meatball n thought she was pregnant.
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has 73.19 % from 260 votes. More jokes about: baby, Yo mama
Kim and Kanye naming their baby North West is just like Brad Pitt naming his kid Arm.
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has 72.56 % from 24 votes. More jokes about: baby, celebrity, life, music
In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating softly, “Don’t get excited, Albert; don’t scream, Albert; don’t yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert.” A woman standing next to him said, “You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert.” The man looked at her and said, “Lady, I’m Albert.”
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has 72.39 % from 103 votes. More jokes about: baby, kids
One day little Johnny asked his teacher "So you know how most stores have 'you break it you buy it' rule? The teacher responded "Yes why?" Johnny said "Well do you think if you were to be looking at babies to adopt and dropped one that the orphange would make you buy it?"
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has 71.97 % from 42 votes. More jokes about: baby, customer service, kids, little Johnny, teacher
Two girlfriends meet again after a few years. One is pushing around a baby buggy. The first girlfriend looks at the baby and is perplexed. "Black skin? Blue slit eyes? A blonde afro? How did you do that?" Murmurs the other woman. "Damn gangbang! At least he doesn't bark!"
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has 71.93 % from 93 votes. More jokes about: baby, dirty, racist, sex, time
Mum has told her little girl all about the making of babies. Little Annie is now silent for a while. "You understand it now?" Mum asks. "Yes," replies her daughter. "Do you still have any questions?" "Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?" "In exactly the same way as with babies." "Wow!" the girl exclaims. "My daddy can do ANYTHING!"
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has 71.88 % from 55 votes. More jokes about: baby, kids, kitty
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