The best baby jokes

How do you fit 500 babies into a phone booth? With a blender. How do you get them out? Nachos - make a dipping and snacking motion.
Vote: has 57.73 % from 35 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: baby, black humor, phone
A 65 year old blonde has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family. When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says “not yet.” A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says “not yet.” Finally they say, “When can we see the baby?” And the mother says, “When the baby cries.” And they ask, “Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?” The new mother says, “because I forgot where I put it.”
Vote: has 56.84 % from 20 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: age, baby, old people
"Jeff, my child, your mother had to stay in the hospital for a few days, cause the stork that brought your baby brother bite her by accident." "Oh, gosh! What a terrible thing to happen to her after such a difficult birth!"
Vote: has 56.77 % from 17 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: baby, hospital, kids
Wife: "Every sunday you go for fishing, right?" Husband: "Yeah... Why?" Wife: "Today the fish came here and told she's pregnant."
Vote: has 55.71 % from 49 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: baby, fish, marriage, wife
A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby." The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby doctor? What's wrong?" The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite." The woman is confused. "A hermaphrodite..... what's that?" The doctor replies, "Well, it means your baby has the.......er......features....of a male and a female." The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh MY GOD! you mean it has a penis..... AND a brain.
Vote: has 55.49 % from 700 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: baby, sex, women
What is height of Laziness? Adopting a child.
Vote: has 54.59 % from 16 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: baby, kids
Why is it dangerous to tell the husband to go and change the son? Two hours later he comes back with a baby girl.
Vote: has 54.16 % from 10 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: baby, husband, men
Willy: "Mom, are our neighbors very poor people? Mother: "I don't think so, Willy. Why do you ask?" Willy: "Because they made such a fuss when their baby swallowed a coin."
Vote: has 53.58 % from 21 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: baby, kids, money
I got home to see my two months pregnant wife crouched in the bathroom crying. Her red, smudged eyes looked at me as she told me she'd lost the baby. I told the silly thing not to be so upset, I could clearly see it in the toilet.
Vote: has 52.49 % from 23 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: baby, disgusting, wife
A couple went to have their baby delivered... Upon arrival, the doctor said there is this new technology that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father, via a machine. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer ratio to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. However as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband over and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him..... The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband both were ecstatic... When they reached home...The cook was lying dead in the kitchen!
Vote: has 52.42 % from 106 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: baby, couple, doctor, marriage