The best baby jokes

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm and have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. Two dozen babies are in the ward, 23 of which are crying and screaming. One, over in the corner, is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the men's delight, she points out the happy child as theirs. ''Isn't it wonderful?'' Brad exclaims. ''All these unhappy children, and ours is so happy.'' ''He's happy now," says the nurse. "But just wait until we take the pacifier out of his ass.''
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has 64.49 % from 267 votes. More jokes about: baby, gay
A man is visiting a foreign country but does not speak the language that they speak there. He decides to go to a church service, but the priest is speaking the native language, so the American man just does whatever the man in front of him does. When the man in front of him stands, so does the American man. When the man in front of him sits, so does the American man. At one point, the priest says something, and the man in front of him stood. So the American man stood too. Everyone in the church gasped, so the American man hurriedly sat back down. Later, the American man figured out that the priest was congratulating a birth. When he had asked who was the father, and both men stood up, it had caused some confusion!
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has 64.28 % from 49 votes. More jokes about: baby, church, communication, dad, ethnic
Yo mama is so ugly that she could be the poster child for birth control.
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has 64.28 % from 25 votes. More jokes about: baby, birthday, insulting, ugly, Yo mama
One afternoon I was walking on a trail with my baby daughter, chatting to her about the scenery. When a man and his dog approached, I leaned down to the carriage and said, “See the doggy?” Suddenly I felt foolish talking to my baby as if she understood me. However, just as the man passed, he reached down, patted his dog, and said, “See the baby?”
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has 63.75 % from 21 votes. More jokes about: animal, baby, dog
Who held the baby octopus to ransom? Squidnappers.
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has 63.17 % from 17 votes. More jokes about: animal, baby
Q: How do Asians get their name? A: They throw a pan down the hall and listen to the noise. Example: Dong Ching Lau.
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has 62.77 % from 208 votes. More jokes about: asian, baby, racist
Q: What did the blonde do when she found out she was pregnant with triplets? A: She went looking for the three guys.
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has 62.30 % from 43 votes. More jokes about: baby, blonde, sex, stupid
A Black man bought a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, announcing that his wife had just given birth to "a typical black baby boy weighing 20 pounds." Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "Wow!" were heard. A woman fainted due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later, he returned to the bar. The bartender said, "Say, you're the proud father of an amazing black baby who weighed 20 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?" The proud father answered, "Fifteen pounds." The bartender was puzzled. "Why? What happened? He weighed 20 pounds at birth?" The father drank the bottle of whisky at one go, wiped his lips on his shirtsleeve, leaned into the bartender and said, "Had him circumcised."
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has 61.08 % from 498 votes. More jokes about: baby, bar, bartender, black people, wife
A lady tells the nurse at a maternity hospital, "I want to call my little baby Ellie." Nurse replies, "I'm sorry, but that name is already taken, perhaps you can consider naming her Ellie532 or Ellie_153?"
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has 60.85 % from 32 votes. More jokes about: baby, geek, hospital
Single and ready to get nervous around anyone I find attractive.
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has 60.85 % from 32 votes. More jokes about: baby, fat, mean, single, time