How many babies does it take to paint a house? Depends how hard you throw them.
When Chuck Norris makes a burrito, its main ingredient is real toes.
Woman delivers baby. Doctor takes the baby, and throws it, smashing around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. Mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging "WHY!?" Doctor holds baby upside down by the ankle and says "I'm just fucking with you, it was born dead".
What's red, bubbly, and scratches at the window before exploding? A baby in a microwave.
Q: What did one casket say to the sick casket? A: Is that you coughin'?
How did the cannibal turn over a new leaf? He became a vegetarian.
Q: Why is Al Qaeda more compassionate than pro-lifers? A: The 9/11 hijackers got to die instantly.
Q: What's the only thing faster than a black man running away with your TV? A: His son running away with your VCR.
Good news, I've been given a goldfish for my birthday... The bad news is that I don't get the bowl until my next birthday!
Why is there always hot water at childbirth? In case of a stillbirth, soup.