Noticing a mistake in St. Peter's roster, God calls Satan; "It seems you accidentally received some of my professionals down there: a teacher, a doctor and a farmer." "Yeah," Satan replies. "All the more for me!" God replies, "You better send them up here immediately." Satan says, "No way. I'm keeping them." God says, "Send them up here, or I'll sue the horns right off you." Satan laughs uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
"I'm going to ask for your daughter's hand in marriage. But it is just a formality." "Who told you that?" "Gynecologist."
What sits in the kitchen and keeps getting smaller and smaller? A baby combing it's hair with a potato peeler!
How are babies and the elderly alike? Both are fun to throw out of moving cars.
Q: What's blue and doesn't fit? A: A dead epileptic.
Q: What's the slowest thing on 80 wheels? A: A Mexican funeral with only two sets of jumper cables.
Daddy to his son: I don't care if you are dating a black girl - they are all pink on the inside.
Why did Hitler go to the eye doctor? Because he can Nazi.
How many babies does it take to paint a house? Depends how hard you throw them.
Woman delivers baby. Doctor takes the baby, and throws it, smashing around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. Mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging "WHY!?" Doctor holds baby upside down by the ankle and says "I'm just fucking with you, it was born dead".