I'm going to celebrate Halloween the same way I always do... by murdering a bunch of teens by the lake. Sincerely, Michael Myers
Two cannibals were having lunch. "Your wife makes a great soup," said one to the other. "Yes!" agreed the first. "But I'm going to miss her terribly."
Q: What did one casket say to the sick casket? A: Is that you coughin'?
Woman delivers baby. Doctor takes the baby, and throws it, smashing around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. Mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging "WHY!?" Doctor holds baby upside down by the ankle and says "I'm just fucking with you, it was born dead".
Daddy to his son: I don't care if you are dating a black girl - they are all pink on the inside.
What sits in the kitchen and keeps getting smaller and smaller? A baby combing it's hair with a potato peeler!
Q: How do you make a dog go ‘miaow’? A: Freeze it in liquid nitrogen, and run it through a bandsaw…
Europe to Iceland: Why did you send us volcanic ash? Our airspace has shut down. Iceland: What? That's what you asked for isn't it? Europe: NO! We said cash! CASH! Iceland: Woooops...
What's the difference between an apple and a black man? None! They both hang from trees.
Q: Why are ghosts bad liars? A: Because you can see right through them!