Q: How do you make a cat go ‘woof’?
A: Soak it in petrol, and set it on fire.
Anal sex is like your first car - you dont really want it, but your dad gave it to you anyways.
What's worse than finding a dead baby on your pillow in the morning?
Realizing you were drunk and made love to it the night before.
Always go to other people’s funerals, or they won’t go to yours.
Death is God’s way of saying, ‘Hey, you’re not alive any more.’
How are babies and the elderly alike?
Both are fun to throw out of moving cars.
Q: What was the last thing her husband said to her?
A: I'll feed the dog, you feed the fish.
What is the difference between turkey and mother-in-law?
There is no difference: both are the best when they are cold on the table.
Q: When does a pedophile go to sleep?
A: When the big hand touches the small one.
Lifting weights have really helped me with the ladies - the last five I raped didn't stand a chance.