The best car jokes

John asks his wife, Mary, what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary. “Would you like a new Mink Coat?” he asks. “Not really,” says Mary. “Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?” says John. “No,” she responds. “What about a new vacation home in the country?” he suggests. She again rejects his offer with a, “No thanks.” Frustrated he finally asks, “Well what would you like for your anniversary?” “John, I’d like a divorce,” answers Mary. John thinks for a moment and replies “Sorry dear, I wasn’t planning to spend that much.”
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has 71.15 % from 45 votes. More jokes about: anniversary, car, divorce, men, wife
Two strangers meet on a golf course and decide to play together. One man says, "I'm a salesman. What about you?" "I'm a hit man for the mob," replies the second man. He pulls out a high powered rifle loaded with scopes and sights. He then asks the man where he lives. Nervously, the first man replies, "In a subdivision just west of here. Gray roof, yellow siding." "You got a silver compact and a red pickup?" "The compact is my wife's car, but that's my buddy Jeff's truck." The hit man looks through the scope again. "Well, they're going at it like teenagers in your bedroom." "I want you to shoot her in the head and shoot him in the balls." The hit man says, "I get paid $5,000 per shot." "I don't care! Just do it!" The hit man takes careful aim and says, "This is your lucky day. You're going to get a two for one!"
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has 70.92 % from 36 votes. More jokes about: car, golf, men, money, wife
Trafic policeman: "Didn't you hear my whistle, madam?" Woman driver: "Yes, but I don't like flirting while I'm driving."
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has 70.78 % from 132 votes. More jokes about: car, cop, flirt, women
Yo mamas so poor she traded her car for gas money.
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has 70.75 % from 151 votes. More jokes about: car, money, Yo mama
Q: What happened to the man who was stopped for having sodium chloride and a nine-volt in his car? A: He was booked for a salt and battery.
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has 70.45 % from 48 votes. More jokes about: car, chemistry, nerd
Chuck Norris's urin is said to add 300 horse power when added to your gas.
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has 70.18 % from 35 votes. More jokes about: car, Chuck Norris
Two fish are sitting in a tank. One looks over at the other and says: "Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?"
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has 69.88 % from 47 votes. More jokes about: car, driving, fish
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted excitedly, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!" The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said, "Just get out."
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has 69.77 % from 701 votes. More jokes about: car, god, marriage, money, women
A patient that was waiting for a heart transplant has the chance to choose tree alternatives: 1. One heart is from a young athlete that died from a car accident. 2. Second is the heart of a business man that never smoked or drunk that died from an airplane accident. 3. The last one is a lawyers heart that died after 30 years of experience. I'll take the lawyers heart. After the transplant, the doctor asks the patient: "Why did you choose the lawyers heart?" "Simple! I chose the heart that was less used..."
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has 69.55 % from 30 votes. More jokes about: business, car, death, drunk, lawyer
It's a really hot day and this penguin is having car trouble, so he takes it into a garage. The penguin asks, "How long will it be?" The mechanic says, "Just a few minutes." So the penguin decides to go get an ice cream at the grocery store across the street. When the penguin gets there he climbs inside the big freezer door and starts to eat ice cream. Three hours go by before the penguin looks at his watch and jumps out of the freezer and races back to the garage. With ice cream all over his face and his stomach he says, "So, how's my car?" The mechanic comes walking out wiping his hands on a rag and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." The penguin says, "No, no, no, I was just eating ice cream."
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has 69.44 % from 62 votes. More jokes about: animal, car, disgusting, mechanic, time
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